This is Cote de Westphalia

DOWNS SYNDROME - A Doctor writes ...

2010-02-08T16:25:00.002Z

Downs Syndrome, or 'flogging the green' as it is known more colloquially, is a nasty condition which can flare up when a group of clueless individuals are elected to local government. The condition manifests itself in the desire to sell off any open spaces where the public may spend their leisure time and begin a programme of property development. In extreme cases the land may not even be sold, but could be simply given away to anyone offering a 'sweetener'. Members of the public should be warned that this condition is highly contagious, and if left unchecked will result in the elimination of all green areas.

SWINE FLU - A DOCTOR WRITES ...

2009-05-03T15:15:00.004+01:00

With all this worldwide fuss many people have been asking me about the dangers of Swine Flu, and I am happy to inform you that it will not affect the majority of the local population. Swine Flu, or Porcine Affluenza as it is more properly known, is a condition which arises when too many piggies have their snouts in the trough of council taxpayers' money. Symptoms of the disease include seeing your picture frequently in the local paper, having a swollen paypacket which is completely out of proportion to the amount of good you do for the local community, or having the words CEO, Mayor or Commissioner in your job title. Sufferers are often at risk of contracting VD (verbal diarrhoea) at the same time, which can be unpleasant for the people who have to listen to it. It follows then, that those most likely to suffer from Swine Flu are those members who are paid to discharge their duties to best serve the local comunity. So, nothing to worry about for most of us, but please be vigilant - if you witness any irregular discharge of duties from your member you should ring the national helpline as it is almost certain that he or she is a sufferer and may have to be quarantined or even culled. Oh, and one other thing - if anybody asks you to pose for a photograph wearing a face mask for the Sun newspaper, just politely refuse.

LOCAL FILM TIPPED FOR OSCARS

2009-02-22T14:48:00.003Z

In these depressed financial times it is always heartening to be able to report some good news, so the Westphalia Express is pleased to announce that a low budget independent film set in our very own town (or is it city?) is causing something of a stir in 'Tinseltown'. The film, Reservoir Slumdogs, is tipped to pick up a handful of Academy Awards, and for anyone who still hasn't heard about this latest British blockbuster here is an explanation of the main characters and some of the plot lines:

Mr (‘Whiter-than’) White – Not a criminal mastermind (in fact not a mastermind of any kind), but a very confused and confusing character. He used to be Mr Orange when he was a member of the Lib Dems, but then became Mr Blue in order to get elected. Once elected he said he was an independent, and became Mr White. Ironically he is completely incapable of independent thought, and hires consultants to do his thinking for him. Because of his coma-like state and the fact that he suffers from visions he is able to claim £60,000 a year from the Vegetative State (a fund provided by local tax payers, not to be confused with the Welfare State).

Mr Blue – A management consultant and Conservative Prospective Parliamentary Candidate. He spends his time between his London flat and his pied-a-terre in Westphalia-on-Sea. He has a plan to become a millionaire by targeting the ‘slum’ of the title and becoming the next MP for this run-down town. He is the driving force behind the gang that got Mr White elected, and now he desperately wants to jump on board the gravy train himself. He spends his spare time skiing and writing a blog that no-one reads, but don't be fooled by his clean-cut appearance and posh voice - this character has a dark side and is pure evil: in one scene which is certain to enter cinematic history he tapes his wife to a chair and tortures her by making her listen to his tedious analysis of the latest opinion polls while he dances around singing 'clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you'. This is so stomach churning that some people actually walked out of the cinema during this scene when the movie was first shown in America.

Mr Orange – Mr Blue’s arch enemy. Brought up in the slums of Eastphalia he rose to represent the people at Westminster. Educated locally and a fervent fan of Westphalia United he is a quiet, low-key character, but don’t underestimate him. When the going gets tough he can revert to the street-savvy Eastphalia boy and dish out a punishment beating when necessary.

Mr Brown – The man who entered into a Faustian pact with devil, helping to create ‘New Labour’ and choosing to pursue a policy of Thatcherite deregulation and Private Finance Initiatives which ultimately brought the country to its knees. He only has a small role in the film, but is constantly praised by Dr Deluded Rose-Tinted-Fiend in his tedious letters to the local paper.

Mr Pink – A spokesman for the local gay community. In these times of economic strife Mr Pink believes that turning Westphalia-on-Sea into a centre for gay holidays could help reverse the economic decline. Mr Pink believes the 'gay-friendly' message must have the backing of the Town Hall, and tries to arrange a meeting with the Mayor, but he is usually too busy to discuss the issue. Things come to a head when the Mayor is accused of being anti-gay. In an effort to win back the support of the gay community the Mayor agrees to paint the Town Hall pink and to play the Erasure version of 'Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (a Man After Midnight) before every full council meeting.

Mr Blonde – A local businessman who is found in suspicious circumstances at a reservoir just as his estate agency business goes completely ‘tits-up’. Once the darling of the local community holding high-profile ‘Apprentice-style’ recruitment drives and swanning around in an Ason Martin, he is brought down by the property crash. The receivers are brought in when he can’t pay his staff, but bizarrely he says he wants to buy his business back. There is a suspicion he might be an alien – he’s certainly not living on the same planet as the rest of us.

That's all we can tell you at the moment without spoiling the impact of this controversial production. As you've probably guessed, there are plenty of twists and turns before the end, and it is definitely not a film for the faint hearted - the idea of Mr Blue turning up on your doorstep and asking you to vote for him is enough to give anyone nightmares - I almost throw up every time I think of him. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

STAR RATING 4/5

WE NEED TO SELL RESORT AS 'PINKTROUSERS'

2009-02-09T17:13:00.004Z

Westphalia-on-Sea could become the new Brighton or Bournemouth if its gay community starts acting as one. Gay businessman Mike Boil said Brighton and Bournemouth owed their image revamp to the gay communities and there was no reason why it shouldn't happen in Westphalia-on-Sea. Mr Boil said: "The gay community here needs to unite.
"In Westphalia-on-Sea, we have only a handful of gay-owned establishments, fighting each other for business, and if you've ever seen two gay proprietors fighting you'll know it's not a pretty sight."

The entrepreneur thinks the Council should help promote Westphalia-on-Sea as 'Pinktrousers-on-Sea' by subsidising adverts about the resort in the national gay press. He added: "We need visitors, the mayor Dr Pangloss has demanded high spenders and you can't get much higher spenders than a gay couple with no dependents, good jobs and a high propensity to consume. The holiday camp is pretty much dead, but the camp holiday is very much alive and kicking."

He has now set up the www.pinktrousers-on-sea.blogspot.com website to promote the Bay within the gay community. He explained: "When gay people come on holiday they don't want their food prepared by heterosexuals, or their beds made by heterosexuals. They are completely different - they even have different news, which is why they read the national gay press."

Belinda No-Bookings, of the Cote de Westphalia Tourism Forum, welcomed any initiative to bring tourists to the Bay. She said: "We are totally clueless about what to do next, so we welcome any new initiative, however mad it may seem. We already have several gay hoteliers who offer extremely high standards which is definitely the way forward. I can see a time in the not too distant future when heterosexuals will be banned from owning hotels. I mean, where do you think Larry Grayson got his catchphrase 'look at the muck in here' from? Staying in some grotty heterosexual-run hotel in Westphalia-on-Sea I shouldn't wonder."

Mr Boil admitted it was not just the gay community which needed to 'go hell for leather' to attract visitors but the whole town. He added: "In the current economic climate, you have to go the extra mile. If your business isn't attracting gay tourists you need to have a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself 'how can I be a little bit more gay?' The answer of course is easy. Try adopting a more effeminate tone of voice when dealing with customers, include more references to cut flowers in your daily conversations and have your back, crack and sack waxed at least once a fortnight."

"Tourism on the Cote de Westphalia over the next few years has to be the focal point of our local economy. Get it right and new investment will pour in. Those gays will be behind us all the way, supporting us, pushing us forward and backing us right to the hilt."

Mr Boil, a supporter of the Mayoral Vision, believes that instead of losing its identity by becoming a cloned high street, Westphalia-on-Sea should develop its own identity by encouraging 'quirky' independent traders. He suggested that the bottom of Fleet Street should be completely pedestrianised, and shopkeepers made to come out into the street and perform dance routines to popular musical numbers when business is slack. Retailers should also be encouraged to grow moustaches and wear leather trousers at least once a week.

Westphalia-on-Sea mayor Dr Pangloss said: "I have been in regular correspondence with Mike, even though I am not sure I understand what 'gay' really means. I have agreed to meet up with him once our diaries permit, but there is nothing queer about that. I would be quite happy to sit down with him to discuss his ideas, but that's as far as it will go - absolutely no funny business."

The deputy mayor said he was all for moving with the times, but wasn't sure if it was a good idea having a load of 'back-door Deirdres' running about the place during high season. "I'm from oop north, and we don't 'ave much truck wi' that sort of thing in Bolton, I can tell thee. Most northerners wouldn't want to be rubbing shoulders wi' one of them on a daily basis, and given the choice I think we'd all prefer it if the gays stayed in the closet rather than being photographed for the local paper."

WAITROSE IS JUST THE BOOST WE NEED

2009-01-17T14:14:00.003Z

Amid all the doom and gloom at last comes a glimmer of hope. As town centre shops and businesses struggle in the current recession it is absolutely brilliant news that the name of a supermarket is changing. Yes, a name change and an increase in prices is exactly what the area needs to get it on its feet again. There may be loads and loads of empty shop units in the town centre, but there will be a Waitrose up the road. How fantastic is that? This is sending a message out to world that Westphalia-on-Sea is a thriving place where people want to spend more on groceries, even in a recession (unless you count the imminent closure of M & S, which would lead you to the opposite conclusion). Of course, there will be all the moaning minnies and benefit scroungers who will mourn the loss of a large cheap supermarket on their doorstep, but to them we send an uncompromising message: 'F*** off to Lidl with the rest of the scum, and hand in your milk vouchers there.'

'WOOLIES CLOSURE NOWT TO WORRY ABOUT' SAYS DEPUTY MAYOR

2008-12-09T08:31:00.003Z

In a Westphalia Express exclusive Deputy mayor Ahmad Hatter was in optimistic mood as he discussed the imminent closure of the biggest shops in Eastphalia. He said 'we hope Woolies will survive, but if it doesn't, it won't be the end of the world, far from it — I see the store site as a final piece in the jigsaw to the overall development of the town centre. In fact we've got such great plans for Eastphalia that in a way we hope it does close. Closure will actually breathe life into Eastphalia.'

The master plan would be for one developer to link the Woolies building, Victoria car park, Crossways and Station Lane sites and merge them into one massive regeneration project, including such things as a multiplex cinema, indoor bowling centre, new shops and homes, and with each financing the other. 'Ahmad Hatter explained: 'It's a brilliant plan, especially the way each thing will finance the other in the middle of the deepest recession in living memory. In fact we will probably end up knocking Woolies down to make way for the new 'porcine runway' - at busy times there will be pigs taking off and landing every five minutes, and they will need a fair bit of space - a flying pig is a very graceful creature and an absolute delight to witness, but they are a bit hefty and you wouldn't want one landing on top of you.'

The Deputy mayor said that initially he would probably be in charge of making sure all pigs were fed and watered and ready to fly over Crossways because of his long experience in this area, but that he hopes to eventually hand over the reins to a younger person so he can concentrate on his real area of expertise, which is airborne pies and other pastry products.

PRESS RELEASE FROM THE TOWN HALL

2008-11-26T20:34:00.005Z

MAYORAL VISION WORK SCOOPS NATIONAL AWARD

Westphalia-on-Sea's Mayoral Vision project has scooped a national award at the prestigious 2008 Pie-in-the-Sky Awards.

The 66-page document and accompanying virtual, walk-through film, detailing ambitious plans for regenerating the bay, fought off stiff competition from projects across the country (including a sustainable eco-plan to build a new terminal at Stansted Airport entirely from matches and old washing up bottles) to win the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Bullshit' category.

When evaluating the entries under the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Bullshit' category the judges said: "The key criteria in this category are who are you fooling and have you slipped a couple of extra zeros on to the bottom of your invoice? It should also be evident that the material has been developed by people who don't know the area and seem to have a very loose grip on reality."

The Mayor of Westphalia-on-Sea, Dr Pangloss, said: "This is a fantastic achievement, relecting the hard work and commitment that went into the vision, but not by me, obviously. At the outset I tried to imply that it was my vision, but it quickly became obvious that we had paid Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions a small fortune to produce the vision. As you know, this council firmly believes in paying consultants to do our thinking for us. Of course, the community is still involved, because they're the ones who foot the bill. Therefore it is extremely satisfying to have won this particular category, judged by landscape professionals and the criminally insane."

"A challenging aspect of the project was to completely fool a wide audience including education, business and community stakeholders, the press, investors, council officers and the community. It was an incredible bit of 'smoke and mirrors' to cobble together a load of archive footage and modern computer graphics in order to pretend that something positive is actually going to happen in Westphalia-on-Sea."

"The projects laid out in the document and film have become an inspiration for many people in Westphalia-on-Sea as well as potential investors. You only have to visit the few remaining shopkeepers in Crossways in Eastphalia to find out exactly how inspired they are - it's truly magical."

The Councillor For Unbelievable Cock-Ups added: "This is fantastic news and a real coup for the bay in terms of national publicity and raising the profile of our efforts for regeneration. The last time we were on the BBC Breakfast programme it was a piece about drunks having to clear up after urinating and defecating in people's doorways around the harbour, so this is definitely a step in the right direction, even though it has no basis in reality."

"I would like to take this opportunity to thank LDA design of Exhole for relieving us of so much cash and pulling the wool over the eyes of our residents, businesses, and potential investors - I can hardly believe it."

Derek Poundsign, partner at Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions said: "The Mayoral Vision is a very ambitious regeneration initiative for Westphalia-on-Sea and its success will ultimately rely on it's ability to connect with the Westphalia-on-Sea public and with investors and developers in the area and from further afield." He then added: "That's consultant-speak for 'nothing will actually happen because it's just a lot of tosh we dreamed up', but this award will give us some very welcome publicity and allow us to increase our fees by about ten per cent, so we really owe the people of Westphalia-on-Sea on this one."

ENDS

A photo opportunity is available - if you are one of the people that actually believes any of this crap why not have your photo taken with a grinning Dr Pangloss? Please contact the Communications Officer at the Westphalia-on-Sea Town Hall.

LOCALBLOKE BATTERS FORMER SPIN DOCTOR

2008-09-18T11:55:00.003+01:00

Westphalia-on-Sea is today in a state of political meltdown after the local MP, Brian Localbloke, launched a vicious and unprovoked attack on a former spin doctor at the Lib Dem Party conference. Details are sketchy, but it appears Mr Localbloke hurled himself at his victim, causing him to trip over what can only be described as 'a one foot high wall'. One eyewitness said: "You can imagine the carnage caused by a fall of that magnitude. There was blood, teeth and assorted body parts flying around. It was absolutely horrific. And then the MP vaulted the wall in one leap and continued kicking the lifeless body on the ground. Women, children and even grown men were reduced to tears as they stood around helplessly". Localbloke's political adversary Charlie Windsor had this to say: "Well, I've always said that this guy is unfit for public office. This seems to be what the Lib Dems are all about now - physical attacks on anyone they can get their hands on - they seem to be completely out of control. Of course the most sickening thing about the whole affair is that he's been drawing an MP's salary since 1997 - it really is about time he stepped aside and let someone else get their snout in the trough." Another witness who definitely saw what happened commented: "My heart goes out to the victim's family - after a beating like that I'd be surprised if he ever walks again. I should think he suffered brain damage. He'll probably just be a dribbling vegetable for the rest of his life. I was seriously considering holidaying in Westphalia-on-Sea next year but not after this. I couldn't enjoy myself knowing this man is out there, roaming around the constituency."
The editor of the Westphalia Express said: "The public demand to know all the gory details when a man is pushed over a one foot high wall, and rightly so. They need to know what kind of monster they have elected to represent them, and I would be failing in my duty as editor if I didn't keep filling the paper with same story day after day. I mean, it puts what Gary Glitter did into perspective, doesn't it?"

On other pages: Localbloke stays silent page 5, Localbloke tight-lipped pages 7 - 8, Is it time to bring back the death penalty for pushing people over anything higher than 11 inches? page 11.

WESTPHALIA-ON-SEA TORY GROUP AXES ITS LEADER

2008-09-11T23:25:00.003+01:00

The political world of Westphalia-on-Sea was reeling today from the shock of Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter losing the support of the Tory group. A spokesperson for the party explained: "Ahmad is extremely well-liked and has done a wonderful job in the Bay. We just wanted to show our support and gratitude in the time-honoured Tory tradition of stabbing him in the back while he was away, rather like we did with Mrs Thatcher. Ahmad has worked tirelessly to tarmac over the Bay, and will hopefully now enjoy his well-earned retirement."
Mr Hatter had this to say as he shrugged off the defeat: "I do feel as if I have had a big weight lifted off my shoulders. Trying to keep the group together was a difficult job. I am quite relaxed about these jealous bastards ousting me from power in this completely underhand way, and am thoroughly looking forward to spending more time with my family."
Prospective Tory parliamentary candidate for the Bay Charlie Windsor was caught on the hop, and could only utter the most meaningless comments: "It’s a bit sudden. I heard yesterday morning."
He added: "Ahmad Hatter is a good friend. It’s up to the councillors who they have as leader. I think he’s been leader for long enough. He’s not a young man, but I hope he stays on as deputy mayor.

"Things happen in local politics. This is not entirely a surprise. Kevin has been a good force for the Bay."

When asked if 'This is not entirely a surprise' didn't actually contradict 'It's a bit sudden' two lines earlier, Mr Windsor replied: "Now look here, you people should be trying to uncover the Lib Dem plot behind all of this instead of worrying about whether I can make a coherent statement or not. And anyway, what I have said is true and I stand by it. I did hear about it yesterday morning, and things do happen in local politics. These are the facts, and jolly interesting facts they are too, made all the more interesting by their inherent truthfulness."

POETRY CORNER

2008-09-11T23:11:00.004+01:00

Lines to commemorate the Tory blood-letting

And so farewell Ahmad Hatter
Now what you think don't much matter.
Although you were the leader
'It wasn't set in stone'.
That was your old catchphrase
And 'while the cat's away
The rats will play'
Seems to be your new one.

E. J. Thribb (17 and a half)

A DOCTOR WRITES ...

2008-08-02T10:02:00.003+01:00

As a respected member of the medical profession people often ask me what the best cure for depression is. Without hesitation I always reply 'get yourself a couple of very dangerous dogs like that nice young man in the paper'. If going out alone makes you anxious a couple of Rottweilers will really do the trick. What better way to solve anxiety problems than having a couple of potential killers straining at the leash? If you happen to be living on meagre state benefits then it's very likely your pooches will always feel a little bit peckish, and the simple knowledge that these drooling monsters see every small child as a possible snack will really help you regain your self-confidence. And when you've had a busy day looking for a job or sitting on your arse in front of the Playstation there's nothing more rewarding than having a couple of cuddly bundles of fun jumping up to playfully lick your face.

Ahmad Hatter, spokesperson for Westphalia-on-Sea Council, said: 'Clearly these dogs are dangerous and the young man in question is in no position to care for them properly, so common sense tells us they should be put down. However, we have had to weigh that up against appearing in a bad light in a newspaper story and that, of course, is something we take very seriously.'

POLICE STAY ON BEACH ALERT

2008-07-06T12:50:00.002+01:00

Police were today taking no chances as they went ahead with an emergency plan to tackle groups of holidaymakers heading for the beaches of Westphalia-on-Sea with the idea of enjoying themselves. Supt Rock Singer said yesterday: 'People have got to realise that when they come here they should be prepared to spend the day walking up and down the High Street in the driving rain wondering why half the shops are empty, and then go back to their cars, pay their parking fine and move on. It's quite simple. If they start thinking they can just go down to the beach and enjoy themselves we'll have all sorts of problems. Luckily the council has closed one of the beaches and started privatising others, so that makes our job a little easier, but if these problems persist we will have to close all the beaches, or 'trouble hotspots' as we like to call them.'

It is thought that the trouble was started by a posting on website which indicated that Westphalia-on-Sea was still a functioning holiday resort. Police are still searching for the person behind the hoax, but are expected to make an arrest at the Cote de Westphalia Tourist Board later on today.

MAYOR REVEALS AMBITIOUS PLAN TO REDUCE TAXI COSTS TO GERMANY

2008-07-01T00:23:00.003+01:00

Dr Pangloss today revealed his vision of how people will avoid exorbitant taxi fares in the future when they want to travel to Germany. 'The new road will bypass Dibley,' he explained, 'and then provide a high-speed link straight to Germany. It will be a souped-up version of a German autobahn and speeds of three thousand miles per hour will be possible. Instead of flying to Germany it will be much cheaper to take a taxi, and we will have so many German tourists we won't know what to do with them. Added to that, it will create more jobs here, and we will also be able to go over there and steal German jobs. It's a win-win situation.' When we pointed out that was more than three times the speed of sound the Mayor replied: 'Look, consultants have assured me it is possible, and that's good enough for me.'

TWO MEN RESCUED FROM POTENTIAL CLIFF DISASTER

2008-07-01T00:07:00.002+01:00

Two very important political lives were saved yesterday as journalists decided to bury any bad news about the former tourist attraction Wreck Walk. The men in question ordered the total distruction of the area, which will now be an eyesore for years to come. Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter explained 'Me and the Councillor For Unbelievable Cock-Ups really were in big trouble over that bloody cliff, but thankfully the Westphalia Express rescued us by not demanding any inquiry how the decisions were made. If any of them are reading this I really would like to say a big thank you.' Tonight we can report that both men, while feeling a little shaken by their ordeal, are both safely back in the Town Hall where they can continue to wreak havoc. (Surely 'continue with a well-thought out programme of inprovements for the town? Ed.)

GRAND THEFT AUTO 4 TOO REALISTIC

2008-05-13T00:14:00.002+01:00

Town Hall Consoles Ltd, a well-known manufacturer of computer games based in Westphalia-on-Sea, came under fire yesterday as it was claimed that their latest game, Grand Theft Auto 4, was too realistic and too dangerous. GTA4 comes hot on the heels of their last creation, NCP Contract, which was very scary and super expensive. Local mothers just about to take their GCSEs were quick to explain their concerns about this new offering: "In the game right, your character has to drive into town and find somewhere to park for free so he can go to work. But there ain't nowhere, see? So he drives around and around getting more and more frustrated, until he eventually just pulls over and starts smashing up parking meters and taking all the loose change. And then there are other characters who have to go into town to do some shopping, but they can't park neither. They just leave their car by the side of the road for a bit, but when they come back they've got a ticket, right? And they didn't even get what they wanted in the shops because most of the shops was already closed, yeah? So they say we ain't coming back to this town no more, but when they try and drive away they find the road system has all been changed and they can't get out. We just fink that is a really bad game, yeah, 'cos kids is gonna grow up finking life's like that, ain't they?"
A spokesman for Town Hall Consoles Ltd was quick to defend the game: "Look it's true that the game is set in a down-at-heel seaside resort where the characters wander around late night drinking and gambling dens and titty bars with police sirens constantly wailing in the background, but it is aimed at over-18s and people have to realise that this is just a game. You can't confuse this with real life. This is a purely fictional place. No one would want to create such a place, and no one would want to live there. Surely people realise that?"

MP SENSATIONALLY UNMASKED AS LIB-DEM

2008-04-02T23:55:00.003+01:00

Brian Localbloke, the MP for the Cote de Westphalia, was today rocked by the news that he had been effectively banned from the Conservative Club in Eastphalia for what they would only describe as 'not being a Tory'. Mr Localbloke was fighting back the tears as he gave his version of events: 'Apparenty they heard a rumour that I was a Lib-Dem. They went on my website, and it didn't take them long to put two and two together and work the whole thing out. They soon realised that they'd been completely shafted at the last three elections. Of course I spend most of my free time in the Conservative Club, so this will have a huge impact on my social life.' When asked how long the ban was expected to last he said the secretary had said it was a lifetime ban, to which Mr Localbloke replied 'whose, yours or mine?'

CHARLIE WINDSOR - AN APOLOGY

2008-03-14T08:40:00.002Z

The Westphalia Express would like to apologise unreservedly for misleading its readers. In this week's popular photos from yesteryear supplement 'Woebegones' we published nostalgic images from a Young Conservative barbecue in the 1960s and erroneously said that a young Charlie Windsor was standing third from the left. This was clearly a mistake, as everyone knows our man Charlie did not set foot in Westphalia-on-Sea until 2002, and didn't even join the Tory Party until 1997. While he clearly has no genuine connections with Westphalia-on-Sea we can confirm that he would very much like you all to vote for him at the next election so that he can begin to recoup some of the expense he has incurred in his desperate attempt to get his snout in the Westminster feeding trough.

CLARIFICATION ON THOSE PESKY COVENANTS

2008-03-14T00:32:00.003Z

Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter caused a little consternation yesterday with his rather ambiguous statement on covenants. Luckily the Westphalia Express was on hand to glean further clarification from our illustrious deputy leader. "What I meant to say," he said, "was that we would carefully consider each covenant on its own merits, and then rip it up and do what the fuck we like. I do apologise for any misunderstanding caused, and will endeavour to be rather more forthright in future when stating my views. In my opinion people need to be a lot less sentimental about green open spaces which in truth are nothing more than prime building sites that have been woefully neglected."

MAYOR ENTERS QUEEN'S SECRET BACK PASSAGE

2008-02-29T23:01:00.005Z

Dr Pangloss made a spectacular discovery while on a visit to the former home of Westphalia-on-Sea's Queen of Crime, Clarissa Miller. He said: I got separated from the guide and just pushed a door. It gently opened, and to my surprise there was this dusty back passage in front of me. Temptation got the better of me and I went right in, and there on the floor was this bundle of papers which I now know was a lost manuscript'.

It is believed the book was originally shelved because of it's controversial title 'Ten Thousand Grockles'. It was renamed 'And Then There Were None' but for some reason the manuscript was lost and the book never made it to print. A spokeswoman for the publishers, a Mrs Irene Dalloway, gave the Westphalia Express an exclusive synopsis of the plot: "It's set in a fictional seaside town where all the tourists go missing one by one until there are none left. A little man is brought in to try and figure out what's happened, and he bumbles around for about five years but in the end he solves nothing, but he still puts in a pay claim for a quarter of a million pounds. It's actually very long-winded, drawn out and a massive anti-climax. It's not like any of her other books, and the central character has no sympathetic qualities. On top of all that it is totally unbelievable. I mean, as if a town would let someone come in and pull the wool over their eyes like that - I could have done better myself'.

THEY HAVEN'T GOT A CLUEDO

2008-02-22T11:15:00.004Z

To celebrate Westphalia-on-Sea's famous connection to the Queen of Crime a mystery event was recently held at a local hotel. A team of consultants were brought in to provide the clues in a story they called 'Daylight Robbery', and locals were invited along to participate. The event was such a success that many of the locals had to be turned away. One man who was lucky enough to attend was Mr Jack Muttock, and he had this to say: 'It was actually quite hard to follow, and there didn't seem to be any logical connections in the plot. In the end it turned out that it was Derek Poundsign in the L-shaped room with the Powerpoint presentation, but I would never have guessed. To be honest I thought it was the mayor - it seemed so obvious, he was such a nasty character, but of course that was just a red herring. I'm just glad it's all fiction, otherwise it would be quite scary. You wouldn't want that shower in charge of anything,' he added, 'they couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.'

TOWN 'NOT DEAD JUST RESTING' SAYS NORWEGIAN-BLUE

2008-02-07T08:06:00.000Z

A war of words broke out in Westphalia-on-Sea at the weekend when Cllr Lucien Norwegian-Blue branded local taxi drivers 'a bunch of miserable twats'. He said: 'My wife and I called a taxi from the Soothsayers of Doom Cab Company, and all the driver did was bang on about how we live in a shithole run by wankers. I mean, for God's sake, just because I'm a councillor it doesn't mean I want to have members of the public bending my ear about boarded-up shops, road closures, car parks and parking meters all the bloody time. I haven't even got a car, so I don't give a rat's arse. Park your poxy cars in the sea, for all I care, and don't come asking me for money. The driver told me the town was dead. I said it's not dead, it's just resting, and me and the Mayor are going to wake it up, but he wouldn't have it. He said he was as sick as a parrot.' He went on to say: 'In most successful totalitarian states they take a very dim view of free speech, and I think that is definitely the way forward for Westphalia-on-Sea - we could learn a lot from the Spanish Inquisition. We have an excellent Mayor with excellent dreams, and I am doing an excellent independent job checking that everything is excellent, and I won't tolerate locals compromising the overall excellence of this place with their idle chatter.'
Footnote: Since this article was written we have been informed that the Soothsayers of Doom Cab Co. has been bought by the council and renamed the Somewhere Over The Rainbow Cab Company. It is thought that the driver at the centre of the row has now got a new job, helping to support the crumbling seafront promenade.

MAYOR EXPLAINS ALTERNATIVE TO CAR PARKS

2008-02-04T12:44:00.000Z

Dr Pangloss today answered critics who question the wisdom of selling off two town centre car parks for luxury building development. Speaking from his office at the Town Hall he said: 'A number of people have asked where all the cars will park in future, but this line of questioning is, quite frankly, naive. Anyone who has seen the James Bond film ThunderBall will know that jetpacks will be the preferred mode of transport in the future, and they require very little storage space. Alternatively our new upmarket tourists from the north will parachute into the refreshing waters of the bay from private aircraft and then be plucked from the blue-flag-certified briny by water taxis and taken to their four-star hotel, so clearly there will be very little need for car parking spaces in the near future.'
When asked how the water taxis would reach the door of any hotels which weren't on the waterfront the mayor added: 'They will be amphibious machines, similar to the one in The Spy Who Loved Me.'
When our reporter pointed out there were also glaring similarlities between Casino Royale and the plans for a new waterfront casino and asked whether the mayor was perhaps using old James Bond films as a blueprint for town planning, the mayor had this to say: 'That is utterly preposterous. I get my inspiration for regenerating the town from a wide variety of sources such as eye-wateringly expensive consultants, my mother and christmas crackers, but not from Bond films. I do not waste my time thinking about Octopussy, Pussy Galore, or any other kind of pussy for that matter*.'

*clearly a reference to Bond villain Blofeld, who stroked a white cat. Ed

MAYORAL VISION NOT BOLD ENOUGH SHOCK

2008-01-18T08:25:00.000Z

The Mayor has come in for criticism after it was revealed that the car park at the harbour could be used as a site for the architectural equivalent of Sydney Opera House. Born and bred Westphalian Jack Muttock said: 'It's ridiculous, we really should be setting our sights a lot higher. I think we should be aiming for something along the lines of the Taj Mahal if we can get the marble, or at the very least a couple of pyramids.' His friend Irene Dalloway added: 'I would rather have something taller, like an Eiffel Tower, or a BT tower. You could have a revolving fast food restaurant at the top and call it 'Pie in the Sky.'
Eastphalians were also concerned that they had been shortchanged in the plans. One man, who preferred to remain anonymous, said: 'With the influx of Polish Catholics I think we should not only be thinking 'Garden City', but also 'Garden Vatican City'. I think when the Pope sees what is happening in Eastphalia he will want to play a central role in the development. That renaissance architecture was all very well in its day, but it's looking a bit tired now. I think he would be blown away if he could see what I have in mind - lots of glass and steel, and probably Artex on the ceiling rather than a lot of fussy painting. It that were to happen I wouldn't mind renaming the place 'Vatican City'. Well, you've got to move with times, haven't you? And if it brings the tourists back so much the better.'

VOCABULARY SHORTAGE PREDICTED

2008-01-12T10:52:00.000Z

A report published today projects that the Westphalia Express could soon run out of words to describe anyone who has the temerity to point out the inherent madness in most of what Dr Pangloss says. This stark warning states that if the paper continues to use words such as 'snipers', 'critics', 'naysayers' and 'high priests and priestesses of negativity' at the current rate it will have completely exhausted its vocabulary supplies by 2009. However, the Editor was quick to robustly defend the paper's actions, saying: 'The people that have come up with this forecast are living in cloud cuckoo land. We have dictionaries, thesauruses, and a crack team of highly trained independent journalists who are constantly coming up with new ways to say the same old thing. In addition, we have root words such as 'cynic', which will generate other words such as 'cynical' and 'cynicism'. There is absolutely no truth in this shortage story - it is scaremongering of the worst kind and we will continue to repeat these words for as long as the mayor is in charge of everything.'

OFF HIS CHRISTMAS TROLLEY

2008-01-03T14:48:00.000Z

The Westphalia-on-Sea council was rocked today by the news that one of Dr Pangloss's men ploughed his car into a wall in the middle of the afternoon while in an 'advanced state of refreshment'. The driver, who cannot be named because he's far too insignificant, said 'they've got me bang to rights - I was out on the piss and got absolutely mullered'. Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter was quick to point out that the Conservatives do not condone driving high performance cars around town when 'mashed off your tits'. He added 'none of us is perfect and we make mistakes, and goodness knows we're going to make a lot more in the coming year, that's for sure.'

This is the most exciting local driving news since another local Conservative MP, Tarquin Pompous-Duffer, parked his car in a disabled bay at Newton Bumpkin station. When people questioned his behaviour on that occasion Mr Pompous-Duffer said: 'For God's sake, there are too many of these disabled bays, it's political correctness gone mad. I mean, when was the last time you saw a raspberry ripple on the train anyway? As a Conservative white male of advancing years it is my inalienable right to park where the bloody hell I like, and I won't have scum from council houses telling me otherwise.'

MAYOR'S DIGEST

2007-11-27T00:53:00.000Z

For those who sometimes miss Dr Pangloss's 'The Best Of All Possible Worlds' column here is a brief resume of the last few months:

No bed of roses … decades to achieve … crumbling infrastructure … make Victor Meldrew look like a born optimist … prestige business park … yours truly … reinvent this place … situation I inherited in 2005 … business incubator units … TDA … higher spending visitors … same old faces who write to the paper … commissioning model … council’s reshaping exercise …yours truly … turning the tide … the ‘no’brigade … vehicle to deliver regeneration projects … yours truly … met with entrepreneurs … greatly improved GCSE results … yours truly … sense of frustration … same old moaning minnies … consultation now under way … oh dear somebody must have got their wires crossed … lurid headline … same tedious old shits writing to the paper … Dibley Alliance getting their comeuppance … Prunella Scales mixed up in this campaign … probably should be stoned to death … all know the problems that I’ve inherited …same old moaning Victor Meldrew-type bastards who write to the paper … Oh dear! Yours truly definitely back in the doghouse … dull old world (or Cote de Westphalia) if we all thought alike … how best to brand it … ‘Business Phalia’ … ‘Mystery Phalia’ … Yours truly … ‘Complete Phalia'.

BOLD RETHINK ON PEDESTRIANISED SHOPPING AREA

2007-11-20T20:57:00.000Z

Dr Pangloss has this week spelled out how the 'pedestrianised' heart of Westphalia-on-Sea should evolve in the future. In order to avoid having pedestrians being knocked down by the buses which currently drive up and down he suggested that 'perhaps there should be more obvious carriageways where the buses can be and more obvious ways and spaces where the pedestrians only should be. The two do not mix at the moment.' When it was suggested that this sounded rather like the old system of 'a road with pavements on either side' which had worked well in the past and continues to be employed in many urban areas up and down the country, the mayor was quick to point out that what he was suggesting was a much bigger, bolder and braver plan which would regenerate the town centre beyond everyone's wildest expectations. 'There's absolutely no point looking backwards at roads and pavements when we can look forwards to carriageways and pedestrian spaces,' he added.

Unsavoury Arms - latest negotiations

2007-11-12T20:33:00.000Z

Dr Pangloss today explained to residents of Westphalia-on-Sea why negotiations over the redevelopment of the Unsavoury Arms had to be carried out 'behind closed doors'. 'It's quite simple, he said. When you are selling off bits of beautiful coastline to be ruined forever the last thing you want is to be constantly interrupted by a bunch of smelly locals trying to exercise their democratic right to express their opinion. The people of Westphalia-on-Sea should be very grateful that this beach is being taken over not by some insignificant small-fry, but by a colourful entrepreneur whose business empire collapsed with debts of more that £700 million. This is exactly the kind of business acumen we want to bring into the area.'

SHOPPING CENTRE CELEBRATIONS - an apology

2007-11-09T12:34:00.000Z

We would like to point out an ambiguous punctuation error in our last piece. It should have read '... and a clown. The mayor will also be present.'
Clearly the clown and the mayor are two different people. Our apologies to anyone who thought they were one and the same.

SHOPPING CENTRE CELEBRATIONS

2007-11-09T12:12:00.000Z

To mark the building of the out-of-town shopping centre with its free parking there will be a celebration tomorrow in what's left of Westphalia-on-Sea town centre. There will be wine tasting, a raffle, face painting and a clown the mayor will also be present. Starting at Fiasco Square local dignitaries will walk through the town looking at the rows of phone shops, estate agents, charity shops and empty units and reminisce about how you used to be able to do your shopping there. At the end of the walk a signpost directing tourists to shopping centres in Plymhole and Exhole will be erected at the harbour.

FAULTY HOTEL MIX-UP

2007-11-07T13:39:00.000Z

It was a case of real life imitating art on Monday, when local hotel owner Richard Basildon was shut out of a meeting of local hoteliers. Mr Twist, the Director of the Hotels' Association, explained it had all been a farcical mix-up: 'We had just had a partition wall put up by an Irish builder where a doorway had been, so Mr Basildon couldn't get in. He then went round the back while we went to front of the hotel; it was quite comical, like something out of that iconic 70s sitcom Faulty Hotel, which your editor has asked me to point out was based on the Railway Hotel in Westphalia-on-Sea.' When asked if they had now settled their differences Mr Twist said: 'Oh yes, we're all the best of friends now - he has some wonderful opinions, it's just that we don't want to have to sit in the same room as him and listen to them.' Mr Basildon was unavailable for comment as he was interviewing staff, but that's where the coincidence ended - they were not from Barcelona, but from Poland.

TOILET ANNOUNCEMENT ROCKS MONTE CARLO

2007-11-04T23:20:00.000Z

The announcement by Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter that there will be substantial improvements to public toilets in Westphalia-on-Sea has sent a shock wave along the French Riviera which has hit the very foundations of the casino at Monte Carlo. A spokesperson for the casino in Monte Carlo said: 'we were already a leetel worried about losing some of our super-rich visitors to Westphalia-on-Sea, but with a new casino and improved toilets there we simply won't be able to compete; we 'ave zerefore decided to close ze casino.' When asked what they would do with the empty casino building the spokesperson said: 'We 'ave decided to follow ze example of Westphalia-on-Sea; eet iz a very beautiful period building, so we will knock eet down and build a concrete eyesore in eets place. If zat is not popular we will knock zat down and zen leave eet looking like a building site for ten years. Enfin, we will build a ... ow you say ... marine aviary, which will probably not attract anysing like the projected visitor numbers.'

GREEN-PHALIA

2007-11-02T07:28:00.000Z

Residents will be pleased to know that Dr Pangloss's vision for the New Cote de Westphalia (Mayoral Grand Plan) is available in two formats. It can be download as a pdf file, but is also available on a roll of environmentally-friendly dual-purpose paper. When asked what he thought about the MGP, a spokeman for publishers Andrex said he thought it was 'long and soft.' He also warned that golden labrador puppies had already run off with a number of copies.

WESTPHALIANS FLOCK TO ONLINE POLL

2007-11-02T07:12:00.000Z

Charlie Windsor's online poll about the EU Treaty on his blog has seen people out in force to cast their vote, despite the bad weather. Interviewed about the surge Charlie said: 'It caught the techy boys on the hop - they had to add another column to the counter when the tenth vote came in. Ten people represents about 0.01% of the population of the Cote de Westphalia, so I think we're going to be able to extrapolate some very accurate information from this. Besides being a searing endictment of Gordon Brown's policy on Europe, my poll demonstrates just how important an issue this is for the people of Westphalia, and just how many people are visiting my blog - it's phenomenal.'

PHOTO LIBRARY SLIP UP

2007-11-01T17:12:00.000Z

We have hundreds of photos of the mayor in various poses and with various facial expressions, such as: holding a pneumatic drill, next to a parking meter, looking happy, looking sad, etc., and while we can usually create a photo montage to illustrate any story in which he is featured, it appears we do not have any pictures of him handing over large wads of cash to consultants. We were therefore unable to print this story yesterday.

BLOG TAKES BAY BY STORM

2007-11-01T16:35:00.000Z

by A STAFF REPORTER
A mystery resident has shocked the whole of the Cote De Westphalia by producing a satirical blog that seems to be a thinly veiled criticism of Mayor Pangloss and his sidekicks in the Tory party. When interviewed about events in the fictitious town of Piddlebackside on Radio Heaven this morning Dr Pangloss said he was amused. The interviewer said: 'The twenty-two chapters to date appear to be a savage criticism of every one of your policies and your profligate spending on consultants. In short, they make you look like a bungling fool. Aren't you embarrassed?'
'No, it's absolutely hilarious,' replied the Mayor.

Hotel Story Omission - an apology

2007-11-01T15:50:00.000Z

It appears that yesterday's Westphalia Express was somehow published without a story which was in some way linked to the famous 70s sitcom Faulty Hotel, which, we should remind everyone, was based on the Railway Hotel and its crazy owner Richard Basildon. This was clearly a mistake, and there will be a four-page colour pull-out celebrating this tenuous link in tomorrow's Express. Be sure to reserve a copy at your newsagent's, as we may not mention this fact again until the day after tomorrow.