Monday, 8 February 2010
DOWNS SYNDROME - A Doctor writes ...
Downs Syndrome, or 'flogging the green' as it is known more colloquially, is a nasty condition which can flare up when a group of clueless individuals are elected to local government. The condition manifests itself in the desire to sell off any open spaces where the public may spend their leisure time and begin a programme of property development. In extreme cases the land may not even be sold, but could be simply given away to anyone offering a 'sweetener'. Members of the public should be warned that this condition is highly contagious, and if left unchecked will result in the elimination of all green areas.
Sunday, 3 May 2009
SWINE FLU - A DOCTOR WRITES ...
With all this worldwide fuss many people have been asking me about the dangers of Swine Flu, and I am happy to inform you that it will not affect the majority of the local population. Swine Flu, or Porcine Affluenza as it is more properly known, is a condition which arises when too many piggies have their snouts in the trough of council taxpayers' money. Symptoms of the disease include seeing your picture frequently in the local paper, having a swollen paypacket which is completely out of proportion to the amount of good you do for the local community, or having the words CEO, Mayor or Commissioner in your job title. Sufferers are often at risk of contracting VD (verbal diarrhoea) at the same time, which can be unpleasant for the people who have to listen to it. It follows then, that those most likely to suffer from Swine Flu are those members who are paid to discharge their duties to best serve the local comunity. So, nothing to worry about for most of us, but please be vigilant - if you witness any irregular discharge of duties from your member you should ring the national helpline as it is almost certain that he or she is a sufferer and may have to be quarantined or even culled. Oh, and one other thing - if anybody asks you to pose for a photograph wearing a face mask for the Sun newspaper, just politely refuse.
Sunday, 22 February 2009
LOCAL FILM TIPPED FOR OSCARS
In these depressed financial times it is always heartening to be able to report some good news, so the Westphalia Express is pleased to announce that a low budget independent film set in our very own town (or is it city?) is causing something of a stir in 'Tinseltown'. The film, Reservoir Slumdogs, is tipped to pick up a handful of Academy Awards, and for anyone who still hasn't heard about this latest British blockbuster here is an explanation of the main characters and some of the plot lines:
Mr (‘Whiter-than’) White – Not a criminal mastermind (in fact not a mastermind of any kind), but a very confused and confusing character. He used to be Mr Orange when he was a member of the Lib Dems, but then became Mr Blue in order to get elected. Once elected he said he was an independent, and became Mr White. Ironically he is completely incapable of independent thought, and hires consultants to do his thinking for him. Because of his coma-like state and the fact that he suffers from visions he is able to claim £60,000 a year from the Vegetative State (a fund provided by local tax payers, not to be confused with the Welfare State).
Mr Blue – A management consultant and Conservative Prospective Parliamentary Candidate. He spends his time between his London flat and his pied-a-terre in Westphalia-on-Sea. He has a plan to become a millionaire by targeting the ‘slum’ of the title and becoming the next MP for this run-down town. He is the driving force behind the gang that got Mr White elected, and now he desperately wants to jump on board the gravy train himself. He spends his spare time skiing and writing a blog that no-one reads, but don't be fooled by his clean-cut appearance and posh voice - this character has a dark side and is pure evil: in one scene which is certain to enter cinematic history he tapes his wife to a chair and tortures her by making her listen to his tedious analysis of the latest opinion polls while he dances around singing 'clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you'. This is so stomach churning that some people actually walked out of the cinema during this scene when the movie was first shown in America.
Mr Orange – Mr Blue’s arch enemy. Brought up in the slums of Eastphalia he rose to represent the people at Westminster. Educated locally and a fervent fan of Westphalia United he is a quiet, low-key character, but don’t underestimate him. When the going gets tough he can revert to the street-savvy Eastphalia boy and dish out a punishment beating when necessary.
Mr Brown – The man who entered into a Faustian pact with devil, helping to create ‘New Labour’ and choosing to pursue a policy of Thatcherite deregulation and Private Finance Initiatives which ultimately brought the country to its knees. He only has a small role in the film, but is constantly praised by Dr Deluded Rose-Tinted-Fiend in his tedious letters to the local paper.
Mr Pink – A spokesman for the local gay community. In these times of economic strife Mr Pink believes that turning Westphalia-on-Sea into a centre for gay holidays could help reverse the economic decline. Mr Pink believes the 'gay-friendly' message must have the backing of the Town Hall, and tries to arrange a meeting with the Mayor, but he is usually too busy to discuss the issue. Things come to a head when the Mayor is accused of being anti-gay. In an effort to win back the support of the gay community the Mayor agrees to paint the Town Hall pink and to play the Erasure version of 'Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (a Man After Midnight) before every full council meeting.
Mr Blonde – A local businessman who is found in suspicious circumstances at a reservoir just as his estate agency business goes completely ‘tits-up’. Once the darling of the local community holding high-profile ‘Apprentice-style’ recruitment drives and swanning around in an Ason Martin, he is brought down by the property crash. The receivers are brought in when he can’t pay his staff, but bizarrely he says he wants to buy his business back. There is a suspicion he might be an alien – he’s certainly not living on the same planet as the rest of us.
That's all we can tell you at the moment without spoiling the impact of this controversial production. As you've probably guessed, there are plenty of twists and turns before the end, and it is definitely not a film for the faint hearted - the idea of Mr Blue turning up on your doorstep and asking you to vote for him is enough to give anyone nightmares - I almost throw up every time I think of him. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
STAR RATING 4/5
Mr (‘Whiter-than’) White – Not a criminal mastermind (in fact not a mastermind of any kind), but a very confused and confusing character. He used to be Mr Orange when he was a member of the Lib Dems, but then became Mr Blue in order to get elected. Once elected he said he was an independent, and became Mr White. Ironically he is completely incapable of independent thought, and hires consultants to do his thinking for him. Because of his coma-like state and the fact that he suffers from visions he is able to claim £60,000 a year from the Vegetative State (a fund provided by local tax payers, not to be confused with the Welfare State).
Mr Blue – A management consultant and Conservative Prospective Parliamentary Candidate. He spends his time between his London flat and his pied-a-terre in Westphalia-on-Sea. He has a plan to become a millionaire by targeting the ‘slum’ of the title and becoming the next MP for this run-down town. He is the driving force behind the gang that got Mr White elected, and now he desperately wants to jump on board the gravy train himself. He spends his spare time skiing and writing a blog that no-one reads, but don't be fooled by his clean-cut appearance and posh voice - this character has a dark side and is pure evil: in one scene which is certain to enter cinematic history he tapes his wife to a chair and tortures her by making her listen to his tedious analysis of the latest opinion polls while he dances around singing 'clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you'. This is so stomach churning that some people actually walked out of the cinema during this scene when the movie was first shown in America.
Mr Orange – Mr Blue’s arch enemy. Brought up in the slums of Eastphalia he rose to represent the people at Westminster. Educated locally and a fervent fan of Westphalia United he is a quiet, low-key character, but don’t underestimate him. When the going gets tough he can revert to the street-savvy Eastphalia boy and dish out a punishment beating when necessary.
Mr Brown – The man who entered into a Faustian pact with devil, helping to create ‘New Labour’ and choosing to pursue a policy of Thatcherite deregulation and Private Finance Initiatives which ultimately brought the country to its knees. He only has a small role in the film, but is constantly praised by Dr Deluded Rose-Tinted-Fiend in his tedious letters to the local paper.
Mr Pink – A spokesman for the local gay community. In these times of economic strife Mr Pink believes that turning Westphalia-on-Sea into a centre for gay holidays could help reverse the economic decline. Mr Pink believes the 'gay-friendly' message must have the backing of the Town Hall, and tries to arrange a meeting with the Mayor, but he is usually too busy to discuss the issue. Things come to a head when the Mayor is accused of being anti-gay. In an effort to win back the support of the gay community the Mayor agrees to paint the Town Hall pink and to play the Erasure version of 'Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (a Man After Midnight) before every full council meeting.
Mr Blonde – A local businessman who is found in suspicious circumstances at a reservoir just as his estate agency business goes completely ‘tits-up’. Once the darling of the local community holding high-profile ‘Apprentice-style’ recruitment drives and swanning around in an Ason Martin, he is brought down by the property crash. The receivers are brought in when he can’t pay his staff, but bizarrely he says he wants to buy his business back. There is a suspicion he might be an alien – he’s certainly not living on the same planet as the rest of us.
That's all we can tell you at the moment without spoiling the impact of this controversial production. As you've probably guessed, there are plenty of twists and turns before the end, and it is definitely not a film for the faint hearted - the idea of Mr Blue turning up on your doorstep and asking you to vote for him is enough to give anyone nightmares - I almost throw up every time I think of him. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
STAR RATING 4/5
Monday, 9 February 2009
WE NEED TO SELL RESORT AS 'PINKTROUSERS'
Westphalia-on-Sea could become the new Brighton or Bournemouth if its gay community starts acting as one. Gay businessman Mike Boil said Brighton and Bournemouth owed their image revamp to the gay communities and there was no reason why it shouldn't happen in Westphalia-on-Sea. Mr Boil said: "The gay community here needs to unite.
"In Westphalia-on-Sea, we have only a handful of gay-owned establishments, fighting each other for business, and if you've ever seen two gay proprietors fighting you'll know it's not a pretty sight."
The entrepreneur thinks the Council should help promote Westphalia-on-Sea as 'Pinktrousers-on-Sea' by subsidising adverts about the resort in the national gay press. He added: "We need visitors, the mayor Dr Pangloss has demanded high spenders and you can't get much higher spenders than a gay couple with no dependents, good jobs and a high propensity to consume. The holiday camp is pretty much dead, but the camp holiday is very much alive and kicking."
He has now set up the www.pinktrousers-on-sea.blogspot.com website to promote the Bay within the gay community. He explained: "When gay people come on holiday they don't want their food prepared by heterosexuals, or their beds made by heterosexuals. They are completely different - they even have different news, which is why they read the national gay press."
Belinda No-Bookings, of the Cote de Westphalia Tourism Forum, welcomed any initiative to bring tourists to the Bay. She said: "We are totally clueless about what to do next, so we welcome any new initiative, however mad it may seem. We already have several gay hoteliers who offer extremely high standards which is definitely the way forward. I can see a time in the not too distant future when heterosexuals will be banned from owning hotels. I mean, where do you think Larry Grayson got his catchphrase 'look at the muck in here' from? Staying in some grotty heterosexual-run hotel in Westphalia-on-Sea I shouldn't wonder."
Mr Boil admitted it was not just the gay community which needed to 'go hell for leather' to attract visitors but the whole town. He added: "In the current economic climate, you have to go the extra mile. If your business isn't attracting gay tourists you need to have a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself 'how can I be a little bit more gay?' The answer of course is easy. Try adopting a more effeminate tone of voice when dealing with customers, include more references to cut flowers in your daily conversations and have your back, crack and sack waxed at least once a fortnight."
"Tourism on the Cote de Westphalia over the next few years has to be the focal point of our local economy. Get it right and new investment will pour in. Those gays will be behind us all the way, supporting us, pushing us forward and backing us right to the hilt."
Mr Boil, a supporter of the Mayoral Vision, believes that instead of losing its identity by becoming a cloned high street, Westphalia-on-Sea should develop its own identity by encouraging 'quirky' independent traders. He suggested that the bottom of Fleet Street should be completely pedestrianised, and shopkeepers made to come out into the street and perform dance routines to popular musical numbers when business is slack. Retailers should also be encouraged to grow moustaches and wear leather trousers at least once a week.
Westphalia-on-Sea mayor Dr Pangloss said: "I have been in regular correspondence with Mike, even though I am not sure I understand what 'gay' really means. I have agreed to meet up with him once our diaries permit, but there is nothing queer about that. I would be quite happy to sit down with him to discuss his ideas, but that's as far as it will go - absolutely no funny business."
The deputy mayor said he was all for moving with the times, but wasn't sure if it was a good idea having a load of 'back-door Deirdres' running about the place during high season. "I'm from oop north, and we don't 'ave much truck wi' that sort of thing in Bolton, I can tell thee. Most northerners wouldn't want to be rubbing shoulders wi' one of them on a daily basis, and given the choice I think we'd all prefer it if the gays stayed in the closet rather than being photographed for the local paper."
"In Westphalia-on-Sea, we have only a handful of gay-owned establishments, fighting each other for business, and if you've ever seen two gay proprietors fighting you'll know it's not a pretty sight."
The entrepreneur thinks the Council should help promote Westphalia-on-Sea as 'Pinktrousers-on-Sea' by subsidising adverts about the resort in the national gay press. He added: "We need visitors, the mayor Dr Pangloss has demanded high spenders and you can't get much higher spenders than a gay couple with no dependents, good jobs and a high propensity to consume. The holiday camp is pretty much dead, but the camp holiday is very much alive and kicking."
He has now set up the www.pinktrousers-on-sea.blogspot.com website to promote the Bay within the gay community. He explained: "When gay people come on holiday they don't want their food prepared by heterosexuals, or their beds made by heterosexuals. They are completely different - they even have different news, which is why they read the national gay press."
Belinda No-Bookings, of the Cote de Westphalia Tourism Forum, welcomed any initiative to bring tourists to the Bay. She said: "We are totally clueless about what to do next, so we welcome any new initiative, however mad it may seem. We already have several gay hoteliers who offer extremely high standards which is definitely the way forward. I can see a time in the not too distant future when heterosexuals will be banned from owning hotels. I mean, where do you think Larry Grayson got his catchphrase 'look at the muck in here' from? Staying in some grotty heterosexual-run hotel in Westphalia-on-Sea I shouldn't wonder."
Mr Boil admitted it was not just the gay community which needed to 'go hell for leather' to attract visitors but the whole town. He added: "In the current economic climate, you have to go the extra mile. If your business isn't attracting gay tourists you need to have a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself 'how can I be a little bit more gay?' The answer of course is easy. Try adopting a more effeminate tone of voice when dealing with customers, include more references to cut flowers in your daily conversations and have your back, crack and sack waxed at least once a fortnight."
"Tourism on the Cote de Westphalia over the next few years has to be the focal point of our local economy. Get it right and new investment will pour in. Those gays will be behind us all the way, supporting us, pushing us forward and backing us right to the hilt."
Mr Boil, a supporter of the Mayoral Vision, believes that instead of losing its identity by becoming a cloned high street, Westphalia-on-Sea should develop its own identity by encouraging 'quirky' independent traders. He suggested that the bottom of Fleet Street should be completely pedestrianised, and shopkeepers made to come out into the street and perform dance routines to popular musical numbers when business is slack. Retailers should also be encouraged to grow moustaches and wear leather trousers at least once a week.
Westphalia-on-Sea mayor Dr Pangloss said: "I have been in regular correspondence with Mike, even though I am not sure I understand what 'gay' really means. I have agreed to meet up with him once our diaries permit, but there is nothing queer about that. I would be quite happy to sit down with him to discuss his ideas, but that's as far as it will go - absolutely no funny business."
The deputy mayor said he was all for moving with the times, but wasn't sure if it was a good idea having a load of 'back-door Deirdres' running about the place during high season. "I'm from oop north, and we don't 'ave much truck wi' that sort of thing in Bolton, I can tell thee. Most northerners wouldn't want to be rubbing shoulders wi' one of them on a daily basis, and given the choice I think we'd all prefer it if the gays stayed in the closet rather than being photographed for the local paper."
Saturday, 17 January 2009
WAITROSE IS JUST THE BOOST WE NEED
Amid all the doom and gloom at last comes a glimmer of hope. As town centre shops and businesses struggle in the current recession it is absolutely brilliant news that the name of a supermarket is changing. Yes, a name change and an increase in prices is exactly what the area needs to get it on its feet again. There may be loads and loads of empty shop units in the town centre, but there will be a Waitrose up the road. How fantastic is that? This is sending a message out to world that Westphalia-on-Sea is a thriving place where people want to spend more on groceries, even in a recession (unless you count the imminent closure of M & S, which would lead you to the opposite conclusion). Of course, there will be all the moaning minnies and benefit scroungers who will mourn the loss of a large cheap supermarket on their doorstep, but to them we send an uncompromising message: 'F*** off to Lidl with the rest of the scum, and hand in your milk vouchers there.'
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
'WOOLIES CLOSURE NOWT TO WORRY ABOUT' SAYS DEPUTY MAYOR
In a Westphalia Express exclusive Deputy mayor Ahmad Hatter was in optimistic mood as he discussed the imminent closure of the biggest shops in Eastphalia. He said 'we hope Woolies will survive, but if it doesn't, it won't be the end of the world, far from it — I see the store site as a final piece in the jigsaw to the overall development of the town centre. In fact we've got such great plans for Eastphalia that in a way we hope it does close. Closure will actually breathe life into Eastphalia.'
The master plan would be for one developer to link the Woolies building, Victoria car park, Crossways and Station Lane sites and merge them into one massive regeneration project, including such things as a multiplex cinema, indoor bowling centre, new shops and homes, and with each financing the other. 'Ahmad Hatter explained: 'It's a brilliant plan, especially the way each thing will finance the other in the middle of the deepest recession in living memory. In fact we will probably end up knocking Woolies down to make way for the new 'porcine runway' - at busy times there will be pigs taking off and landing every five minutes, and they will need a fair bit of space - a flying pig is a very graceful creature and an absolute delight to witness, but they are a bit hefty and you wouldn't want one landing on top of you.'
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
PRESS RELEASE FROM THE TOWN HALL
MAYORAL VISION WORK SCOOPS NATIONAL AWARD
Westphalia-on-Sea's Mayoral Vision project has scooped a national award at the prestigious 2008 Pie-in-the-Sky Awards.
The 66-page document and accompanying virtual, walk-through film, detailing ambitious plans for regenerating the bay, fought off stiff competition from projects across the country (including a sustainable eco-plan to build a new terminal at Stansted Airport entirely from matches and old washing up bottles) to win the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Bullshit' category.
When evaluating the entries under the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Bullshit' category the judges said: "The key criteria in this category are who are you fooling and have you slipped a couple of extra zeros on to the bottom of your invoice? It should also be evident that the material has been developed by people who don't know the area and seem to have a very loose grip on reality."
The Mayor of Westphalia-on-Sea, Dr Pangloss, said: "This is a fantastic achievement, relecting the hard work and commitment that went into the vision, but not by me, obviously. At the outset I tried to imply that it was my vision, but it quickly became obvious that we had paid Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions a small fortune to produce the vision. As you know, this council firmly believes in paying consultants to do our thinking for us. Of course, the community is still involved, because they're the ones who foot the bill. Therefore it is extremely satisfying to have won this particular category, judged by landscape professionals and the criminally insane."
"A challenging aspect of the project was to completely fool a wide audience including education, business and community stakeholders, the press, investors, council officers and the community. It was an incredible bit of 'smoke and mirrors' to cobble together a load of archive footage and modern computer graphics in order to pretend that something positive is actually going to happen in Westphalia-on-Sea."
"The projects laid out in the document and film have become an inspiration for many people in Westphalia-on-Sea as well as potential investors. You only have to visit the few remaining shopkeepers in Crossways in Eastphalia to find out exactly how inspired they are - it's truly magical."
The Councillor For Unbelievable Cock-Ups added: "This is fantastic news and a real coup for the bay in terms of national publicity and raising the profile of our efforts for regeneration. The last time we were on the BBC Breakfast programme it was a piece about drunks having to clear up after urinating and defecating in people's doorways around the harbour, so this is definitely a step in the right direction, even though it has no basis in reality."
"I would like to take this opportunity to thank LDA design of Exhole for relieving us of so much cash and pulling the wool over the eyes of our residents, businesses, and potential investors - I can hardly believe it."
Derek Poundsign, partner at Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions said: "The Mayoral Vision is a very ambitious regeneration initiative for Westphalia-on-Sea and its success will ultimately rely on it's ability to connect with the Westphalia-on-Sea public and with investors and developers in the area and from further afield." He then added: "That's consultant-speak for 'nothing will actually happen because it's just a lot of tosh we dreamed up', but this award will give us some very welcome publicity and allow us to increase our fees by about ten per cent, so we really owe the people of Westphalia-on-Sea on this one."
ENDS
A photo opportunity is available - if you are one of the people that actually believes any of this crap why not have your photo taken with a grinning Dr Pangloss? Please contact the Communications Officer at the Westphalia-on-Sea Town Hall.
Westphalia-on-Sea's Mayoral Vision project has scooped a national award at the prestigious 2008 Pie-in-the-Sky Awards.
The 66-page document and accompanying virtual, walk-through film, detailing ambitious plans for regenerating the bay, fought off stiff competition from projects across the country (including a sustainable eco-plan to build a new terminal at Stansted Airport entirely from matches and old washing up bottles) to win the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Bullshit' category.
When evaluating the entries under the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Bullshit' category the judges said: "The key criteria in this category are who are you fooling and have you slipped a couple of extra zeros on to the bottom of your invoice? It should also be evident that the material has been developed by people who don't know the area and seem to have a very loose grip on reality."
The Mayor of Westphalia-on-Sea, Dr Pangloss, said: "This is a fantastic achievement, relecting the hard work and commitment that went into the vision, but not by me, obviously. At the outset I tried to imply that it was my vision, but it quickly became obvious that we had paid Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions a small fortune to produce the vision. As you know, this council firmly believes in paying consultants to do our thinking for us. Of course, the community is still involved, because they're the ones who foot the bill. Therefore it is extremely satisfying to have won this particular category, judged by landscape professionals and the criminally insane."
"A challenging aspect of the project was to completely fool a wide audience including education, business and community stakeholders, the press, investors, council officers and the community. It was an incredible bit of 'smoke and mirrors' to cobble together a load of archive footage and modern computer graphics in order to pretend that something positive is actually going to happen in Westphalia-on-Sea."
"The projects laid out in the document and film have become an inspiration for many people in Westphalia-on-Sea as well as potential investors. You only have to visit the few remaining shopkeepers in Crossways in Eastphalia to find out exactly how inspired they are - it's truly magical."
The Councillor For Unbelievable Cock-Ups added: "This is fantastic news and a real coup for the bay in terms of national publicity and raising the profile of our efforts for regeneration. The last time we were on the BBC Breakfast programme it was a piece about drunks having to clear up after urinating and defecating in people's doorways around the harbour, so this is definitely a step in the right direction, even though it has no basis in reality."
"I would like to take this opportunity to thank LDA design of Exhole for relieving us of so much cash and pulling the wool over the eyes of our residents, businesses, and potential investors - I can hardly believe it."
Derek Poundsign, partner at Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions said: "The Mayoral Vision is a very ambitious regeneration initiative for Westphalia-on-Sea and its success will ultimately rely on it's ability to connect with the Westphalia-on-Sea public and with investors and developers in the area and from further afield." He then added: "That's consultant-speak for 'nothing will actually happen because it's just a lot of tosh we dreamed up', but this award will give us some very welcome publicity and allow us to increase our fees by about ten per cent, so we really owe the people of Westphalia-on-Sea on this one."
ENDS
A photo opportunity is available - if you are one of the people that actually believes any of this crap why not have your photo taken with a grinning Dr Pangloss? Please contact the Communications Officer at the Westphalia-on-Sea Town Hall.
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