GRAND THEFT AUTO 4 TOO REALISTIC

Town Hall Consoles Ltd, a well-known manufacturer of computer games based in Westphalia-on-Sea, came under fire yesterday as it was claimed that their latest game, Grand Theft Auto 4, was too realistic and too dangerous. GTA4 comes hot on the heels of their last creation, NCP Contract, which was very scary and super expensive. Local mothers just about to take their GCSEs were quick to explain their concerns about this new offering: "In the game right, your character has to drive into town and find somewhere to park for free so he can go to work. But there ain't nowhere, see? So he drives around and around getting more and more frustrated, until he eventually just pulls over and starts smashing up parking meters and taking all the loose change. And then there are other characters who have to go into town to do some shopping, but they can't park neither. They just leave their car by the side of the road for a bit, but when they come back they've got a ticket, right? And they didn't even get what they wanted in the shops because most of the shops was already closed, yeah? So they say we ain't coming back to this town no more, but when they try and drive away they find the road system has all been changed and they can't get out. We just fink that is a really bad game, yeah, 'cos kids is gonna grow up finking life's like that, ain't they?"
A spokesman for Town Hall Consoles Ltd was quick to defend the game: "Look it's true that the game is set in a down-at-heel seaside resort where the characters wander around late night drinking and gambling dens and titty bars with police sirens constantly wailing in the background, but it is aimed at over-18s and people have to realise that this is just a game. You can't confuse this with real life. This is a purely fictional place. No one would want to create such a place, and no one would want to live there. Surely people realise that?"

MP SENSATIONALLY UNMASKED AS LIB-DEM

Brian Localbloke, the MP for the Cote de Westphalia, was today rocked by the news that he had been effectively banned from the Conservative Club in Eastphalia for what they would only describe as 'not being a Tory'. Mr Localbloke was fighting back the tears as he gave his version of events: 'Apparenty they heard a rumour that I was a Lib-Dem. They went on my website, and it didn't take them long to put two and two together and work the whole thing out. They soon realised that they'd been completely shafted at the last three elections. Of course I spend most of my free time in the Conservative Club, so this will have a huge impact on my social life.' When asked how long the ban was expected to last he said the secretary had said it was a lifetime ban, to which Mr Localbloke replied 'whose, yours or mine?'

CHARLIE WINDSOR - AN APOLOGY

The Westphalia Express would like to apologise unreservedly for misleading its readers. In this week's popular photos from yesteryear supplement 'Woebegones' we published nostalgic images from a Young Conservative barbecue in the 1960s and erroneously said that a young Charlie Windsor was standing third from the left. This was clearly a mistake, as everyone knows our man Charlie did not set foot in Westphalia-on-Sea until 2002, and didn't even join the Tory Party until 1997. While he clearly has no genuine connections with Westphalia-on-Sea we can confirm that he would very much like you all to vote for him at the next election so that he can begin to recoup some of the expense he has incurred in his desperate attempt to get his snout in the Westminster feeding trough.

CLARIFICATION ON THOSE PESKY COVENANTS

Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter caused a little consternation yesterday with his rather ambiguous statement on covenants. Luckily the Westphalia Express was on hand to glean further clarification from our illustrious deputy leader. "What I meant to say," he said, "was that we would carefully consider each covenant on its own merits, and then rip it up and do what the fuck we like. I do apologise for any misunderstanding caused, and will endeavour to be rather more forthright in future when stating my views. In my opinion people need to be a lot less sentimental about green open spaces which in truth are nothing more than prime building sites that have been woefully neglected."

MAYOR ENTERS QUEEN'S SECRET BACK PASSAGE

Dr Pangloss made a spectacular discovery while on a visit to the former home of Westphalia-on-Sea's Queen of Crime, Clarissa Miller. He said: I got separated from the guide and just pushed a door. It gently opened, and to my surprise there was this dusty back passage in front of me. Temptation got the better of me and I went right in, and there on the floor was this bundle of papers which I now know was a lost manuscript'.

It is believed the book was originally shelved because of it's controversial title 'Ten Thousand Grockles'. It was renamed 'And Then There Were None' but for some reason the manuscript was lost and the book never made it to print. A spokeswoman for the publishers, a Mrs Irene Dalloway, gave the Westphalia Express an exclusive synopsis of the plot: "It's set in a fictional seaside town where all the tourists go missing one by one until there are none left. A little man is brought in to try and figure out what's happened, and he bumbles around for about five years but in the end he solves nothing, but he still puts in a pay claim for a quarter of a million pounds. It's actually very long-winded, drawn out and a massive anti-climax. It's not like any of her other books, and the central character has no sympathetic qualities. On top of all that it is totally unbelievable. I mean, as if a town would let someone come in and pull the wool over their eyes like that - I could have done better myself'.

THEY HAVEN'T GOT A CLUEDO

To celebrate Westphalia-on-Sea's famous connection to the Queen of Crime a mystery event was recently held at a local hotel. A team of consultants were brought in to provide the clues in a story they called 'Daylight Robbery', and locals were invited along to participate. The event was such a success that many of the locals had to be turned away. One man who was lucky enough to attend was Mr Jack Muttock, and he had this to say: 'It was actually quite hard to follow, and there didn't seem to be any logical connections in the plot. In the end it turned out that it was Derek Poundsign in the L-shaped room with the Powerpoint presentation, but I would never have guessed. To be honest I thought it was the mayor - it seemed so obvious, he was such a nasty character, but of course that was just a red herring. I'm just glad it's all fiction, otherwise it would be quite scary. You wouldn't want that shower in charge of anything,' he added, 'they couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.'

TOWN 'NOT DEAD JUST RESTING' SAYS NORWEGIAN-BLUE

A war of words broke out in Westphalia-on-Sea at the weekend when Cllr Lucien Norwegian-Blue branded local taxi drivers 'a bunch of miserable twats'. He said: 'My wife and I called a taxi from the Soothsayers of Doom Cab Company, and all the driver did was bang on about how we live in a shithole run by wankers. I mean, for God's sake, just because I'm a councillor it doesn't mean I want to have members of the public bending my ear about boarded-up shops, road closures, car parks and parking meters all the bloody time. I haven't even got a car, so I don't give a rat's arse. Park your poxy cars in the sea, for all I care, and don't come asking me for money. The driver told me the town was dead. I said it's not dead, it's just resting, and me and the Mayor are going to wake it up, but he wouldn't have it. He said he was as sick as a parrot.' He went on to say: 'In most successful totalitarian states they take a very dim view of free speech, and I think that is definitely the way forward for Westphalia-on-Sea - we could learn a lot from the Spanish Inquisition. We have an excellent Mayor with excellent dreams, and I am doing an excellent independent job checking that everything is excellent, and I won't tolerate locals compromising the overall excellence of this place with their idle chatter.'
Footnote: Since this article was written we have been informed that the Soothsayers of Doom Cab Co. has been bought by the council and renamed the Somewhere Over The Rainbow Cab Company. It is thought that the driver at the centre of the row has now got a new job, helping to support the crumbling seafront promenade.