LOCALBLOKE BATTERS FORMER SPIN DOCTOR

Westphalia-on-Sea is today in a state of political meltdown after the local MP, Brian Localbloke, launched a vicious and unprovoked attack on a former spin doctor at the Lib Dem Party conference. Details are sketchy, but it appears Mr Localbloke hurled himself at his victim, causing him to trip over what can only be described as 'a one foot high wall'. One eyewitness said: "You can imagine the carnage caused by a fall of that magnitude. There was blood, teeth and assorted body parts flying around. It was absolutely horrific. And then the MP vaulted the wall in one leap and continued kicking the lifeless body on the ground. Women, children and even grown men were reduced to tears as they stood around helplessly". Localbloke's political adversary Charlie Windsor had this to say: "Well, I've always said that this guy is unfit for public office. This seems to be what the Lib Dems are all about now - physical attacks on anyone they can get their hands on - they seem to be completely out of control. Of course the most sickening thing about the whole affair is that he's been drawing an MP's salary since 1997 - it really is about time he stepped aside and let someone else get their snout in the trough." Another witness who definitely saw what happened commented: "My heart goes out to the victim's family - after a beating like that I'd be surprised if he ever walks again. I should think he suffered brain damage. He'll probably just be a dribbling vegetable for the rest of his life. I was seriously considering holidaying in Westphalia-on-Sea next year but not after this. I couldn't enjoy myself knowing this man is out there, roaming around the constituency."
The editor of the Westphalia Express said: "The public demand to know all the gory details when a man is pushed over a one foot high wall, and rightly so. They need to know what kind of monster they have elected to represent them, and I would be failing in my duty as editor if I didn't keep filling the paper with same story day after day. I mean, it puts what Gary Glitter did into perspective, doesn't it?"

On other pages: Localbloke stays silent page 5, Localbloke tight-lipped pages 7 - 8, Is it time to bring back the death penalty for pushing people over anything higher than 11 inches? page 11.

WESTPHALIA-ON-SEA TORY GROUP AXES ITS LEADER

The political world of Westphalia-on-Sea was reeling today from the shock of Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter losing the support of the Tory group. A spokesperson for the party explained: "Ahmad is extremely well-liked and has done a wonderful job in the Bay. We just wanted to show our support and gratitude in the time-honoured Tory tradition of stabbing him in the back while he was away, rather like we did with Mrs Thatcher. Ahmad has worked tirelessly to tarmac over the Bay, and will hopefully now enjoy his well-earned retirement."
Mr Hatter had this to say as he shrugged off the defeat: "I do feel as if I have had a big weight lifted off my shoulders. Trying to keep the group together was a difficult job. I am quite relaxed about these jealous bastards ousting me from power in this completely underhand way, and am thoroughly looking forward to spending more time with my family."
Prospective Tory parliamentary candidate for the Bay Charlie Windsor was caught on the hop, and could only utter the most meaningless comments: "It’s a bit sudden. I heard yesterday morning."
He added: "Ahmad Hatter is a good friend. It’s up to the councillors who they have as leader. I think he’s been leader for long enough. He’s not a young man, but I hope he stays on as deputy mayor.

"Things happen in local politics. This is not entirely a surprise. Kevin has been a good force for the Bay."

When asked if 'This is not entirely a surprise' didn't actually contradict 'It's a bit sudden' two lines earlier, Mr Windsor replied: "Now look here, you people should be trying to uncover the Lib Dem plot behind all of this instead of worrying about whether I can make a coherent statement or not. And anyway, what I have said is true and I stand by it. I did hear about it yesterday morning, and things do happen in local politics. These are the facts, and jolly interesting facts they are too, made all the more interesting by their inherent truthfulness."

POETRY CORNER

Lines to commemorate the Tory blood-letting

And so farewell Ahmad Hatter
Now what you think don't much matter.
Although you were the leader
'It wasn't set in stone'.
That was your old catchphrase
And 'while the cat's away
The rats will play'
Seems to be your new one.

E. J. Thribb (17 and a half)

A DOCTOR WRITES ...

As a respected member of the medical profession people often ask me what the best cure for depression is. Without hesitation I always reply 'get yourself a couple of very dangerous dogs like that nice young man in the paper'. If going out alone makes you anxious a couple of Rottweilers will really do the trick. What better way to solve anxiety problems than having a couple of potential killers straining at the leash? If you happen to be living on meagre state benefits then it's very likely your pooches will always feel a little bit peckish, and the simple knowledge that these drooling monsters see every small child as a possible snack will really help you regain your self-confidence. And when you've had a busy day looking for a job or sitting on your arse in front of the Playstation there's nothing more rewarding than having a couple of cuddly bundles of fun jumping up to playfully lick your face.

Ahmad Hatter, spokesperson for Westphalia-on-Sea Council, said: 'Clearly these dogs are dangerous and the young man in question is in no position to care for them properly, so common sense tells us they should be put down. However, we have had to weigh that up against appearing in a bad light in a newspaper story and that, of course, is something we take very seriously.'

POLICE STAY ON BEACH ALERT

Police were today taking no chances as they went ahead with an emergency plan to tackle groups of holidaymakers heading for the beaches of Westphalia-on-Sea with the idea of enjoying themselves. Supt Rock Singer said yesterday: 'People have got to realise that when they come here they should be prepared to spend the day walking up and down the High Street in the driving rain wondering why half the shops are empty, and then go back to their cars, pay their parking fine and move on. It's quite simple. If they start thinking they can just go down to the beach and enjoy themselves we'll have all sorts of problems. Luckily the council has closed one of the beaches and started privatising others, so that makes our job a little easier, but if these problems persist we will have to close all the beaches, or 'trouble hotspots' as we like to call them.'

It is thought that the trouble was started by a posting on website which indicated that Westphalia-on-Sea was still a functioning holiday resort. Police are still searching for the person behind the hoax, but are expected to make an arrest at the Cote de Westphalia Tourist Board later on today.

MAYOR REVEALS AMBITIOUS PLAN TO REDUCE TAXI COSTS TO GERMANY

Dr Pangloss today revealed his vision of how people will avoid exorbitant taxi fares in the future when they want to travel to Germany. 'The new road will bypass Dibley,' he explained, 'and then provide a high-speed link straight to Germany. It will be a souped-up version of a German autobahn and speeds of three thousand miles per hour will be possible. Instead of flying to Germany it will be much cheaper to take a taxi, and we will have so many German tourists we won't know what to do with them. Added to that, it will create more jobs here, and we will also be able to go over there and steal German jobs. It's a win-win situation.' When we pointed out that was more than three times the speed of sound the Mayor replied: 'Look, consultants have assured me it is possible, and that's good enough for me.'

TWO MEN RESCUED FROM POTENTIAL CLIFF DISASTER

Two very important political lives were saved yesterday as journalists decided to bury any bad news about the former tourist attraction Wreck Walk. The men in question ordered the total distruction of the area, which will now be an eyesore for years to come. Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter explained 'Me and the Councillor For Unbelievable Cock-Ups really were in big trouble over that bloody cliff, but thankfully the Westphalia Express rescued us by not demanding any inquiry how the decisions were made. If any of them are reading this I really would like to say a big thank you.' Tonight we can report that both men, while feeling a little shaken by their ordeal, are both safely back in the Town Hall where they can continue to wreak havoc. (Surely 'continue with a well-thought out programme of inprovements for the town? Ed.)