A DOCTOR WRITES ...

As a respected member of the medical profession people often ask me what the best cure for depression is. Without hesitation I always reply 'get yourself a couple of very dangerous dogs like that nice young man in the paper'. If going out alone makes you anxious a couple of Rottweilers will really do the trick. What better way to solve anxiety problems than having a couple of potential killers straining at the leash? If you happen to be living on meagre state benefits then it's very likely your pooches will always feel a little bit peckish, and the simple knowledge that these drooling monsters see every small child as a possible snack will really help you regain your self-confidence. And when you've had a busy day looking for a job or sitting on your arse in front of the Playstation there's nothing more rewarding than having a couple of cuddly bundles of fun jumping up to playfully lick your face.

Ahmad Hatter, spokesperson for Westphalia-on-Sea Council, said: 'Clearly these dogs are dangerous and the young man in question is in no position to care for them properly, so common sense tells us they should be put down. However, we have had to weigh that up against appearing in a bad light in a newspaper story and that, of course, is something we take very seriously.'