SWINE FLU - A DOCTOR WRITES ...

With all this worldwide fuss many people have been asking me about the dangers of Swine Flu, and I am happy to inform you that it will not affect the majority of the local population. Swine Flu, or Porcine Affluenza as it is more properly known, is a condition which arises when too many piggies have their snouts in the trough of council taxpayers' money. Symptoms of the disease include seeing your picture frequently in the local paper, having a swollen paypacket which is completely out of proportion to the amount of good you do for the local community, or having the words CEO, Mayor or Commissioner in your job title. Sufferers are often at risk of contracting VD (verbal diarrhoea) at the same time, which can be unpleasant for the people who have to listen to it. It follows then, that those most likely to suffer from Swine Flu are those members who are paid to discharge their duties to best serve the local comunity. So, nothing to worry about for most of us, but please be vigilant - if you witness any irregular discharge of duties from your member you should ring the national helpline as it is almost certain that he or she is a sufferer and may have to be quarantined or even culled. Oh, and one other thing - if anybody asks you to pose for a photograph wearing a face mask for the Sun newspaper, just politely refuse.