MAYORAL VISION NOT BOLD ENOUGH SHOCK

The Mayor has come in for criticism after it was revealed that the car park at the harbour could be used as a site for the architectural equivalent of Sydney Opera House. Born and bred Westphalian Jack Muttock said: 'It's ridiculous, we really should be setting our sights a lot higher. I think we should be aiming for something along the lines of the Taj Mahal if we can get the marble, or at the very least a couple of pyramids.' His friend Irene Dalloway added: 'I would rather have something taller, like an Eiffel Tower, or a BT tower. You could have a revolving fast food restaurant at the top and call it 'Pie in the Sky.'
Eastphalians were also concerned that they had been shortchanged in the plans. One man, who preferred to remain anonymous, said: 'With the influx of Polish Catholics I think we should not only be thinking 'Garden City', but also 'Garden Vatican City'. I think when the Pope sees what is happening in Eastphalia he will want to play a central role in the development. That renaissance architecture was all very well in its day, but it's looking a bit tired now. I think he would be blown away if he could see what I have in mind - lots of glass and steel, and probably Artex on the ceiling rather than a lot of fussy painting. It that were to happen I wouldn't mind renaming the place 'Vatican City'. Well, you've got to move with times, haven't you? And if it brings the tourists back so much the better.'

VOCABULARY SHORTAGE PREDICTED

A report published today projects that the Westphalia Express could soon run out of words to describe anyone who has the temerity to point out the inherent madness in most of what Dr Pangloss says. This stark warning states that if the paper continues to use words such as 'snipers', 'critics', 'naysayers' and 'high priests and priestesses of negativity' at the current rate it will have completely exhausted its vocabulary supplies by 2009. However, the Editor was quick to robustly defend the paper's actions, saying: 'The people that have come up with this forecast are living in cloud cuckoo land. We have dictionaries, thesauruses, and a crack team of highly trained independent journalists who are constantly coming up with new ways to say the same old thing. In addition, we have root words such as 'cynic', which will generate other words such as 'cynical' and 'cynicism'. There is absolutely no truth in this shortage story - it is scaremongering of the worst kind and we will continue to repeat these words for as long as the mayor is in charge of everything.'

OFF HIS CHRISTMAS TROLLEY

The Westphalia-on-Sea council was rocked today by the news that one of Dr Pangloss's men ploughed his car into a wall in the middle of the afternoon while in an 'advanced state of refreshment'. The driver, who cannot be named because he's far too insignificant, said 'they've got me bang to rights - I was out on the piss and got absolutely mullered'. Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter was quick to point out that the Conservatives do not condone driving high performance cars around town when 'mashed off your tits'. He added 'none of us is perfect and we make mistakes, and goodness knows we're going to make a lot more in the coming year, that's for sure.'

This is the most exciting local driving news since another local Conservative MP, Tarquin Pompous-Duffer, parked his car in a disabled bay at Newton Bumpkin station. When people questioned his behaviour on that occasion Mr Pompous-Duffer said: 'For God's sake, there are too many of these disabled bays, it's political correctness gone mad. I mean, when was the last time you saw a raspberry ripple on the train anyway? As a Conservative white male of advancing years it is my inalienable right to park where the bloody hell I like, and I won't have scum from council houses telling me otherwise.'