POLICE STAY ON BEACH ALERT

Police were today taking no chances as they went ahead with an emergency plan to tackle groups of holidaymakers heading for the beaches of Westphalia-on-Sea with the idea of enjoying themselves. Supt Rock Singer said yesterday: 'People have got to realise that when they come here they should be prepared to spend the day walking up and down the High Street in the driving rain wondering why half the shops are empty, and then go back to their cars, pay their parking fine and move on. It's quite simple. If they start thinking they can just go down to the beach and enjoy themselves we'll have all sorts of problems. Luckily the council has closed one of the beaches and started privatising others, so that makes our job a little easier, but if these problems persist we will have to close all the beaches, or 'trouble hotspots' as we like to call them.'

It is thought that the trouble was started by a posting on website which indicated that Westphalia-on-Sea was still a functioning holiday resort. Police are still searching for the person behind the hoax, but are expected to make an arrest at the Cote de Westphalia Tourist Board later on today.

MAYOR REVEALS AMBITIOUS PLAN TO REDUCE TAXI COSTS TO GERMANY

Dr Pangloss today revealed his vision of how people will avoid exorbitant taxi fares in the future when they want to travel to Germany. 'The new road will bypass Dibley,' he explained, 'and then provide a high-speed link straight to Germany. It will be a souped-up version of a German autobahn and speeds of three thousand miles per hour will be possible. Instead of flying to Germany it will be much cheaper to take a taxi, and we will have so many German tourists we won't know what to do with them. Added to that, it will create more jobs here, and we will also be able to go over there and steal German jobs. It's a win-win situation.' When we pointed out that was more than three times the speed of sound the Mayor replied: 'Look, consultants have assured me it is possible, and that's good enough for me.'

TWO MEN RESCUED FROM POTENTIAL CLIFF DISASTER

Two very important political lives were saved yesterday as journalists decided to bury any bad news about the former tourist attraction Wreck Walk. The men in question ordered the total distruction of the area, which will now be an eyesore for years to come. Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter explained 'Me and the Councillor For Unbelievable Cock-Ups really were in big trouble over that bloody cliff, but thankfully the Westphalia Express rescued us by not demanding any inquiry how the decisions were made. If any of them are reading this I really would like to say a big thank you.' Tonight we can report that both men, while feeling a little shaken by their ordeal, are both safely back in the Town Hall where they can continue to wreak havoc. (Surely 'continue with a well-thought out programme of inprovements for the town? Ed.)