'WOOLIES CLOSURE NOWT TO WORRY ABOUT' SAYS DEPUTY MAYOR

In a Westphalia Express exclusive Deputy mayor Ahmad Hatter was in optimistic mood as he discussed the imminent closure of the biggest shops in Eastphalia. He said 'we hope Woolies will survive, but if it doesn't, it won't be the end of the world, far from it — I see the store site as a final piece in the jigsaw to the overall development of the town centre. In fact we've got such great plans for Eastphalia that in a way we hope it does close. Closure will actually breathe life into Eastphalia.'

The master plan would be for one developer to link the Woolies building, Victoria car park, Crossways and Station Lane sites and merge them into one massive regeneration project, including such things as a multiplex cinema, indoor bowling centre, new shops and homes, and with each financing the other. 'Ahmad Hatter explained: 'It's a brilliant plan, especially the way each thing will finance the other in the middle of the deepest recession in living memory. In fact we will probably end up knocking Woolies down to make way for the new 'porcine runway' - at busy times there will be pigs taking off and landing every five minutes, and they will need a fair bit of space - a flying pig is a very graceful creature and an absolute delight to witness, but they are a bit hefty and you wouldn't want one landing on top of you.'

The Deputy mayor said that initially he would probably be in charge of making sure all pigs were fed and watered and ready to fly over Crossways because of his long experience in this area, but that he hopes to eventually hand over the reins to a younger person so he can concentrate on his real area of expertise, which is airborne pies and other pastry products.