LOCAL FILM TIPPED FOR OSCARS

In these depressed financial times it is always heartening to be able to report some good news, so the Westphalia Express is pleased to announce that a low budget independent film set in our very own town (or is it city?) is causing something of a stir in 'Tinseltown'. The film, Reservoir Slumdogs, is tipped to pick up a handful of Academy Awards, and for anyone who still hasn't heard about this latest British blockbuster here is an explanation of the main characters and some of the plot lines:

Mr (‘Whiter-than’) White – Not a criminal mastermind (in fact not a mastermind of any kind), but a very confused and confusing character. He used to be Mr Orange when he was a member of the Lib Dems, but then became Mr Blue in order to get elected. Once elected he said he was an independent, and became Mr White. Ironically he is completely incapable of independent thought, and hires consultants to do his thinking for him. Because of his coma-like state and the fact that he suffers from visions he is able to claim £60,000 a year from the Vegetative State (a fund provided by local tax payers, not to be confused with the Welfare State).

Mr Blue – A management consultant and Conservative Prospective Parliamentary Candidate. He spends his time between his London flat and his pied-a-terre in Westphalia-on-Sea. He has a plan to become a millionaire by targeting the ‘slum’ of the title and becoming the next MP for this run-down town. He is the driving force behind the gang that got Mr White elected, and now he desperately wants to jump on board the gravy train himself. He spends his spare time skiing and writing a blog that no-one reads, but don't be fooled by his clean-cut appearance and posh voice - this character has a dark side and is pure evil: in one scene which is certain to enter cinematic history he tapes his wife to a chair and tortures her by making her listen to his tedious analysis of the latest opinion polls while he dances around singing 'clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you'. This is so stomach churning that some people actually walked out of the cinema during this scene when the movie was first shown in America.

Mr Orange – Mr Blue’s arch enemy. Brought up in the slums of Eastphalia he rose to represent the people at Westminster. Educated locally and a fervent fan of Westphalia United he is a quiet, low-key character, but don’t underestimate him. When the going gets tough he can revert to the street-savvy Eastphalia boy and dish out a punishment beating when necessary.

Mr Brown – The man who entered into a Faustian pact with devil, helping to create ‘New Labour’ and choosing to pursue a policy of Thatcherite deregulation and Private Finance Initiatives which ultimately brought the country to its knees. He only has a small role in the film, but is constantly praised by Dr Deluded Rose-Tinted-Fiend in his tedious letters to the local paper.

Mr Pink – A spokesman for the local gay community. In these times of economic strife Mr Pink believes that turning Westphalia-on-Sea into a centre for gay holidays could help reverse the economic decline. Mr Pink believes the 'gay-friendly' message must have the backing of the Town Hall, and tries to arrange a meeting with the Mayor, but he is usually too busy to discuss the issue. Things come to a head when the Mayor is accused of being anti-gay. In an effort to win back the support of the gay community the Mayor agrees to paint the Town Hall pink and to play the Erasure version of 'Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (a Man After Midnight) before every full council meeting.

Mr Blonde – A local businessman who is found in suspicious circumstances at a reservoir just as his estate agency business goes completely ‘tits-up’. Once the darling of the local community holding high-profile ‘Apprentice-style’ recruitment drives and swanning around in an Ason Martin, he is brought down by the property crash. The receivers are brought in when he can’t pay his staff, but bizarrely he says he wants to buy his business back. There is a suspicion he might be an alien – he’s certainly not living on the same planet as the rest of us.

That's all we can tell you at the moment without spoiling the impact of this controversial production. As you've probably guessed, there are plenty of twists and turns before the end, and it is definitely not a film for the faint hearted - the idea of Mr Blue turning up on your doorstep and asking you to vote for him is enough to give anyone nightmares - I almost throw up every time I think of him. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

STAR RATING 4/5

WE NEED TO SELL RESORT AS 'PINKTROUSERS'

Westphalia-on-Sea could become the new Brighton or Bournemouth if its gay community starts acting as one. Gay businessman Mike Boil said Brighton and Bournemouth owed their image revamp to the gay communities and there was no reason why it shouldn't happen in Westphalia-on-Sea. Mr Boil said: "The gay community here needs to unite.
"In Westphalia-on-Sea, we have only a handful of gay-owned establishments, fighting each other for business, and if you've ever seen two gay proprietors fighting you'll know it's not a pretty sight."

The entrepreneur thinks the Council should help promote Westphalia-on-Sea as 'Pinktrousers-on-Sea' by subsidising adverts about the resort in the national gay press. He added: "We need visitors, the mayor Dr Pangloss has demanded high spenders and you can't get much higher spenders than a gay couple with no dependents, good jobs and a high propensity to consume. The holiday camp is pretty much dead, but the camp holiday is very much alive and kicking."

He has now set up the www.pinktrousers-on-sea.blogspot.com website to promote the Bay within the gay community. He explained: "When gay people come on holiday they don't want their food prepared by heterosexuals, or their beds made by heterosexuals. They are completely different - they even have different news, which is why they read the national gay press."

Belinda No-Bookings, of the Cote de Westphalia Tourism Forum, welcomed any initiative to bring tourists to the Bay. She said: "We are totally clueless about what to do next, so we welcome any new initiative, however mad it may seem. We already have several gay hoteliers who offer extremely high standards which is definitely the way forward. I can see a time in the not too distant future when heterosexuals will be banned from owning hotels. I mean, where do you think Larry Grayson got his catchphrase 'look at the muck in here' from? Staying in some grotty heterosexual-run hotel in Westphalia-on-Sea I shouldn't wonder."

Mr Boil admitted it was not just the gay community which needed to 'go hell for leather' to attract visitors but the whole town. He added: "In the current economic climate, you have to go the extra mile. If your business isn't attracting gay tourists you need to have a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself 'how can I be a little bit more gay?' The answer of course is easy. Try adopting a more effeminate tone of voice when dealing with customers, include more references to cut flowers in your daily conversations and have your back, crack and sack waxed at least once a fortnight."

"Tourism on the Cote de Westphalia over the next few years has to be the focal point of our local economy. Get it right and new investment will pour in. Those gays will be behind us all the way, supporting us, pushing us forward and backing us right to the hilt."

Mr Boil, a supporter of the Mayoral Vision, believes that instead of losing its identity by becoming a cloned high street, Westphalia-on-Sea should develop its own identity by encouraging 'quirky' independent traders. He suggested that the bottom of Fleet Street should be completely pedestrianised, and shopkeepers made to come out into the street and perform dance routines to popular musical numbers when business is slack. Retailers should also be encouraged to grow moustaches and wear leather trousers at least once a week.

Westphalia-on-Sea mayor Dr Pangloss said: "I have been in regular correspondence with Mike, even though I am not sure I understand what 'gay' really means. I have agreed to meet up with him once our diaries permit, but there is nothing queer about that. I would be quite happy to sit down with him to discuss his ideas, but that's as far as it will go - absolutely no funny business."

The deputy mayor said he was all for moving with the times, but wasn't sure if it was a good idea having a load of 'back-door Deirdres' running about the place during high season. "I'm from oop north, and we don't 'ave much truck wi' that sort of thing in Bolton, I can tell thee. Most northerners wouldn't want to be rubbing shoulders wi' one of them on a daily basis, and given the choice I think we'd all prefer it if the gays stayed in the closet rather than being photographed for the local paper."