WE NEED TO SELL RESORT AS 'PINKTROUSERS'

Westphalia-on-Sea could become the new Brighton or Bournemouth if its gay community starts acting as one. Gay businessman Mike Boil said Brighton and Bournemouth owed their image revamp to the gay communities and there was no reason why it shouldn't happen in Westphalia-on-Sea. Mr Boil said: "The gay community here needs to unite.
"In Westphalia-on-Sea, we have only a handful of gay-owned establishments, fighting each other for business, and if you've ever seen two gay proprietors fighting you'll know it's not a pretty sight."

The entrepreneur thinks the Council should help promote Westphalia-on-Sea as 'Pinktrousers-on-Sea' by subsidising adverts about the resort in the national gay press. He added: "We need visitors, the mayor Dr Pangloss has demanded high spenders and you can't get much higher spenders than a gay couple with no dependents, good jobs and a high propensity to consume. The holiday camp is pretty much dead, but the camp holiday is very much alive and kicking."

He has now set up the www.pinktrousers-on-sea.blogspot.com website to promote the Bay within the gay community. He explained: "When gay people come on holiday they don't want their food prepared by heterosexuals, or their beds made by heterosexuals. They are completely different - they even have different news, which is why they read the national gay press."

Belinda No-Bookings, of the Cote de Westphalia Tourism Forum, welcomed any initiative to bring tourists to the Bay. She said: "We are totally clueless about what to do next, so we welcome any new initiative, however mad it may seem. We already have several gay hoteliers who offer extremely high standards which is definitely the way forward. I can see a time in the not too distant future when heterosexuals will be banned from owning hotels. I mean, where do you think Larry Grayson got his catchphrase 'look at the muck in here' from? Staying in some grotty heterosexual-run hotel in Westphalia-on-Sea I shouldn't wonder."

Mr Boil admitted it was not just the gay community which needed to 'go hell for leather' to attract visitors but the whole town. He added: "In the current economic climate, you have to go the extra mile. If your business isn't attracting gay tourists you need to have a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself 'how can I be a little bit more gay?' The answer of course is easy. Try adopting a more effeminate tone of voice when dealing with customers, include more references to cut flowers in your daily conversations and have your back, crack and sack waxed at least once a fortnight."

"Tourism on the Cote de Westphalia over the next few years has to be the focal point of our local economy. Get it right and new investment will pour in. Those gays will be behind us all the way, supporting us, pushing us forward and backing us right to the hilt."

Mr Boil, a supporter of the Mayoral Vision, believes that instead of losing its identity by becoming a cloned high street, Westphalia-on-Sea should develop its own identity by encouraging 'quirky' independent traders. He suggested that the bottom of Fleet Street should be completely pedestrianised, and shopkeepers made to come out into the street and perform dance routines to popular musical numbers when business is slack. Retailers should also be encouraged to grow moustaches and wear leather trousers at least once a week.

Westphalia-on-Sea mayor Dr Pangloss said: "I have been in regular correspondence with Mike, even though I am not sure I understand what 'gay' really means. I have agreed to meet up with him once our diaries permit, but there is nothing queer about that. I would be quite happy to sit down with him to discuss his ideas, but that's as far as it will go - absolutely no funny business."

The deputy mayor said he was all for moving with the times, but wasn't sure if it was a good idea having a load of 'back-door Deirdres' running about the place during high season. "I'm from oop north, and we don't 'ave much truck wi' that sort of thing in Bolton, I can tell thee. Most northerners wouldn't want to be rubbing shoulders wi' one of them on a daily basis, and given the choice I think we'd all prefer it if the gays stayed in the closet rather than being photographed for the local paper."