LOCAL FILM TIPPED FOR OSCARS

In these depressed financial times it is always heartening to be able to report some good news, so the Westphalia Express is pleased to announce that a low budget independent film set in our very own town (or is it city?) is causing something of a stir in 'Tinseltown'. The film, Reservoir Slumdogs, is tipped to pick up a handful of Academy Awards, and for anyone who still hasn't heard about this latest British blockbuster here is an explanation of the main characters and some of the plot lines:

Mr (‘Whiter-than’) White – Not a criminal mastermind (in fact not a mastermind of any kind), but a very confused and confusing character. He used to be Mr Orange when he was a member of the Lib Dems, but then became Mr Blue in order to get elected. Once elected he said he was an independent, and became Mr White. Ironically he is completely incapable of independent thought, and hires consultants to do his thinking for him. Because of his coma-like state and the fact that he suffers from visions he is able to claim £60,000 a year from the Vegetative State (a fund provided by local tax payers, not to be confused with the Welfare State).

Mr Blue – A management consultant and Conservative Prospective Parliamentary Candidate. He spends his time between his London flat and his pied-a-terre in Westphalia-on-Sea. He has a plan to become a millionaire by targeting the ‘slum’ of the title and becoming the next MP for this run-down town. He is the driving force behind the gang that got Mr White elected, and now he desperately wants to jump on board the gravy train himself. He spends his spare time skiing and writing a blog that no-one reads, but don't be fooled by his clean-cut appearance and posh voice - this character has a dark side and is pure evil: in one scene which is certain to enter cinematic history he tapes his wife to a chair and tortures her by making her listen to his tedious analysis of the latest opinion polls while he dances around singing 'clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you'. This is so stomach churning that some people actually walked out of the cinema during this scene when the movie was first shown in America.

Mr Orange – Mr Blue’s arch enemy. Brought up in the slums of Eastphalia he rose to represent the people at Westminster. Educated locally and a fervent fan of Westphalia United he is a quiet, low-key character, but don’t underestimate him. When the going gets tough he can revert to the street-savvy Eastphalia boy and dish out a punishment beating when necessary.

Mr Brown – The man who entered into a Faustian pact with devil, helping to create ‘New Labour’ and choosing to pursue a policy of Thatcherite deregulation and Private Finance Initiatives which ultimately brought the country to its knees. He only has a small role in the film, but is constantly praised by Dr Deluded Rose-Tinted-Fiend in his tedious letters to the local paper.

Mr Pink – A spokesman for the local gay community. In these times of economic strife Mr Pink believes that turning Westphalia-on-Sea into a centre for gay holidays could help reverse the economic decline. Mr Pink believes the 'gay-friendly' message must have the backing of the Town Hall, and tries to arrange a meeting with the Mayor, but he is usually too busy to discuss the issue. Things come to a head when the Mayor is accused of being anti-gay. In an effort to win back the support of the gay community the Mayor agrees to paint the Town Hall pink and to play the Erasure version of 'Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (a Man After Midnight) before every full council meeting.

Mr Blonde – A local businessman who is found in suspicious circumstances at a reservoir just as his estate agency business goes completely ‘tits-up’. Once the darling of the local community holding high-profile ‘Apprentice-style’ recruitment drives and swanning around in an Ason Martin, he is brought down by the property crash. The receivers are brought in when he can’t pay his staff, but bizarrely he says he wants to buy his business back. There is a suspicion he might be an alien – he’s certainly not living on the same planet as the rest of us.

That's all we can tell you at the moment without spoiling the impact of this controversial production. As you've probably guessed, there are plenty of twists and turns before the end, and it is definitely not a film for the faint hearted - the idea of Mr Blue turning up on your doorstep and asking you to vote for him is enough to give anyone nightmares - I almost throw up every time I think of him. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

STAR RATING 4/5