'WOOLIES CLOSURE NOWT TO WORRY ABOUT' SAYS DEPUTY MAYOR

In a Westphalia Express exclusive Deputy mayor Ahmad Hatter was in optimistic mood as he discussed the imminent closure of the biggest shops in Eastphalia. He said 'we hope Woolies will survive, but if it doesn't, it won't be the end of the world, far from it — I see the store site as a final piece in the jigsaw to the overall development of the town centre. In fact we've got such great plans for Eastphalia that in a way we hope it does close. Closure will actually breathe life into Eastphalia.'

The master plan would be for one developer to link the Woolies building, Victoria car park, Crossways and Station Lane sites and merge them into one massive regeneration project, including such things as a multiplex cinema, indoor bowling centre, new shops and homes, and with each financing the other. 'Ahmad Hatter explained: 'It's a brilliant plan, especially the way each thing will finance the other in the middle of the deepest recession in living memory. In fact we will probably end up knocking Woolies down to make way for the new 'porcine runway' - at busy times there will be pigs taking off and landing every five minutes, and they will need a fair bit of space - a flying pig is a very graceful creature and an absolute delight to witness, but they are a bit hefty and you wouldn't want one landing on top of you.'

The Deputy mayor said that initially he would probably be in charge of making sure all pigs were fed and watered and ready to fly over Crossways because of his long experience in this area, but that he hopes to eventually hand over the reins to a younger person so he can concentrate on his real area of expertise, which is airborne pies and other pastry products.

PRESS RELEASE FROM THE TOWN HALL

MAYORAL VISION WORK SCOOPS NATIONAL AWARD

Westphalia-on-Sea's Mayoral Vision project has scooped a national award at the prestigious 2008 Pie-in-the-Sky Awards.

The 66-page document and accompanying virtual, walk-through film, detailing ambitious plans for regenerating the bay, fought off stiff competition from projects across the country (including a sustainable eco-plan to build a new terminal at Stansted Airport entirely from matches and old washing up bottles) to win the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Bullshit' category.

When evaluating the entries under the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Bullshit' category the judges said: "The key criteria in this category are who are you fooling and have you slipped a couple of extra zeros on to the bottom of your invoice? It should also be evident that the material has been developed by people who don't know the area and seem to have a very loose grip on reality."

The Mayor of Westphalia-on-Sea, Dr Pangloss, said: "This is a fantastic achievement, relecting the hard work and commitment that went into the vision, but not by me, obviously. At the outset I tried to imply that it was my vision, but it quickly became obvious that we had paid Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions a small fortune to produce the vision. As you know, this council firmly believes in paying consultants to do our thinking for us. Of course, the community is still involved, because they're the ones who foot the bill. Therefore it is extremely satisfying to have won this particular category, judged by landscape professionals and the criminally insane."

"A challenging aspect of the project was to completely fool a wide audience including education, business and community stakeholders, the press, investors, council officers and the community. It was an incredible bit of 'smoke and mirrors' to cobble together a load of archive footage and modern computer graphics in order to pretend that something positive is actually going to happen in Westphalia-on-Sea."

"The projects laid out in the document and film have become an inspiration for many people in Westphalia-on-Sea as well as potential investors. You only have to visit the few remaining shopkeepers in Crossways in Eastphalia to find out exactly how inspired they are - it's truly magical."

The Councillor For Unbelievable Cock-Ups added: "This is fantastic news and a real coup for the bay in terms of national publicity and raising the profile of our efforts for regeneration. The last time we were on the BBC Breakfast programme it was a piece about drunks having to clear up after urinating and defecating in people's doorways around the harbour, so this is definitely a step in the right direction, even though it has no basis in reality."

"I would like to take this opportunity to thank LDA design of Exhole for relieving us of so much cash and pulling the wool over the eyes of our residents, businesses, and potential investors - I can hardly believe it."

Derek Poundsign, partner at Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions said: "The Mayoral Vision is a very ambitious regeneration initiative for Westphalia-on-Sea and its success will ultimately rely on it's ability to connect with the Westphalia-on-Sea public and with investors and developers in the area and from further afield." He then added: "That's consultant-speak for 'nothing will actually happen because it's just a lot of tosh we dreamed up', but this award will give us some very welcome publicity and allow us to increase our fees by about ten per cent, so we really owe the people of Westphalia-on-Sea on this one."

ENDS

A photo opportunity is available - if you are one of the people that actually believes any of this crap why not have your photo taken with a grinning Dr Pangloss? Please contact the Communications Officer at the Westphalia-on-Sea Town Hall.

LOCALBLOKE BATTERS FORMER SPIN DOCTOR

Westphalia-on-Sea is today in a state of political meltdown after the local MP, Brian Localbloke, launched a vicious and unprovoked attack on a former spin doctor at the Lib Dem Party conference. Details are sketchy, but it appears Mr Localbloke hurled himself at his victim, causing him to trip over what can only be described as 'a one foot high wall'. One eyewitness said: "You can imagine the carnage caused by a fall of that magnitude. There was blood, teeth and assorted body parts flying around. It was absolutely horrific. And then the MP vaulted the wall in one leap and continued kicking the lifeless body on the ground. Women, children and even grown men were reduced to tears as they stood around helplessly". Localbloke's political adversary Charlie Windsor had this to say: "Well, I've always said that this guy is unfit for public office. This seems to be what the Lib Dems are all about now - physical attacks on anyone they can get their hands on - they seem to be completely out of control. Of course the most sickening thing about the whole affair is that he's been drawing an MP's salary since 1997 - it really is about time he stepped aside and let someone else get their snout in the trough." Another witness who definitely saw what happened commented: "My heart goes out to the victim's family - after a beating like that I'd be surprised if he ever walks again. I should think he suffered brain damage. He'll probably just be a dribbling vegetable for the rest of his life. I was seriously considering holidaying in Westphalia-on-Sea next year but not after this. I couldn't enjoy myself knowing this man is out there, roaming around the constituency."
The editor of the Westphalia Express said: "The public demand to know all the gory details when a man is pushed over a one foot high wall, and rightly so. They need to know what kind of monster they have elected to represent them, and I would be failing in my duty as editor if I didn't keep filling the paper with same story day after day. I mean, it puts what Gary Glitter did into perspective, doesn't it?"

On other pages: Localbloke stays silent page 5, Localbloke tight-lipped pages 7 - 8, Is it time to bring back the death penalty for pushing people over anything higher than 11 inches? page 11.

WESTPHALIA-ON-SEA TORY GROUP AXES ITS LEADER

The political world of Westphalia-on-Sea was reeling today from the shock of Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter losing the support of the Tory group. A spokesperson for the party explained: "Ahmad is extremely well-liked and has done a wonderful job in the Bay. We just wanted to show our support and gratitude in the time-honoured Tory tradition of stabbing him in the back while he was away, rather like we did with Mrs Thatcher. Ahmad has worked tirelessly to tarmac over the Bay, and will hopefully now enjoy his well-earned retirement."
Mr Hatter had this to say as he shrugged off the defeat: "I do feel as if I have had a big weight lifted off my shoulders. Trying to keep the group together was a difficult job. I am quite relaxed about these jealous bastards ousting me from power in this completely underhand way, and am thoroughly looking forward to spending more time with my family."
Prospective Tory parliamentary candidate for the Bay Charlie Windsor was caught on the hop, and could only utter the most meaningless comments: "It’s a bit sudden. I heard yesterday morning."
He added: "Ahmad Hatter is a good friend. It’s up to the councillors who they have as leader. I think he’s been leader for long enough. He’s not a young man, but I hope he stays on as deputy mayor.

"Things happen in local politics. This is not entirely a surprise. Kevin has been a good force for the Bay."

When asked if 'This is not entirely a surprise' didn't actually contradict 'It's a bit sudden' two lines earlier, Mr Windsor replied: "Now look here, you people should be trying to uncover the Lib Dem plot behind all of this instead of worrying about whether I can make a coherent statement or not. And anyway, what I have said is true and I stand by it. I did hear about it yesterday morning, and things do happen in local politics. These are the facts, and jolly interesting facts they are too, made all the more interesting by their inherent truthfulness."

POETRY CORNER

Lines to commemorate the Tory blood-letting

And so farewell Ahmad Hatter
Now what you think don't much matter.
Although you were the leader
'It wasn't set in stone'.
That was your old catchphrase
And 'while the cat's away
The rats will play'
Seems to be your new one.

E. J. Thribb (17 and a half)

A DOCTOR WRITES ...

As a respected member of the medical profession people often ask me what the best cure for depression is. Without hesitation I always reply 'get yourself a couple of very dangerous dogs like that nice young man in the paper'. If going out alone makes you anxious a couple of Rottweilers will really do the trick. What better way to solve anxiety problems than having a couple of potential killers straining at the leash? If you happen to be living on meagre state benefits then it's very likely your pooches will always feel a little bit peckish, and the simple knowledge that these drooling monsters see every small child as a possible snack will really help you regain your self-confidence. And when you've had a busy day looking for a job or sitting on your arse in front of the Playstation there's nothing more rewarding than having a couple of cuddly bundles of fun jumping up to playfully lick your face.

Ahmad Hatter, spokesperson for Westphalia-on-Sea Council, said: 'Clearly these dogs are dangerous and the young man in question is in no position to care for them properly, so common sense tells us they should be put down. However, we have had to weigh that up against appearing in a bad light in a newspaper story and that, of course, is something we take very seriously.'

POLICE STAY ON BEACH ALERT

Police were today taking no chances as they went ahead with an emergency plan to tackle groups of holidaymakers heading for the beaches of Westphalia-on-Sea with the idea of enjoying themselves. Supt Rock Singer said yesterday: 'People have got to realise that when they come here they should be prepared to spend the day walking up and down the High Street in the driving rain wondering why half the shops are empty, and then go back to their cars, pay their parking fine and move on. It's quite simple. If they start thinking they can just go down to the beach and enjoy themselves we'll have all sorts of problems. Luckily the council has closed one of the beaches and started privatising others, so that makes our job a little easier, but if these problems persist we will have to close all the beaches, or 'trouble hotspots' as we like to call them.'

It is thought that the trouble was started by a posting on website which indicated that Westphalia-on-Sea was still a functioning holiday resort. Police are still searching for the person behind the hoax, but are expected to make an arrest at the Cote de Westphalia Tourist Board later on today.