A war of words broke out in Westphalia-on-Sea at the weekend when Cllr Lucien Norwegian-Blue branded local taxi drivers 'a bunch of miserable twats'. He said: 'My wife and I called a taxi from the Soothsayers of Doom Cab Company, and all the driver did was bang on about how we live in a shithole run by wankers. I mean, for God's sake, just because I'm a councillor it doesn't mean I want to have members of the public bending my ear about boarded-up shops, road closures, car parks and parking meters all the bloody time. I haven't even got a car, so I don't give a rat's arse. Park your poxy cars in the sea, for all I care, and don't come asking me for money. The driver told me the town was dead. I said it's not dead, it's just resting, and me and the Mayor are going to wake it up, but he wouldn't have it. He said he was as sick as a parrot.' He went on to say: 'In most successful totalitarian states they take a very dim view of free speech, and I think that is definitely the way forward for Westphalia-on-Sea - we could learn a lot from the Spanish Inquisition. We have an excellent Mayor with excellent dreams, and I am doing an excellent independent job checking that everything is excellent, and I won't tolerate locals compromising the overall excellence of this place with their idle chatter.'
Footnote: Since this article was written we have been informed that the Soothsayers of Doom Cab Co. has been bought by the council and renamed the Somewhere Over The Rainbow Cab Company. It is thought that the driver at the centre of the row has now got a new job, helping to support the crumbling seafront promenade.
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Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Our chief weapon is surprise....surprise and fear,,,,fear and surprise.... our two weapons are fear and surprise and an almost fanatical devotion to former Ellacombe Councillor Lew Pope.
" Pieces of eight.Pieces of Eight. It's the pieces of eight stoopid!"
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