'WOOLIES CLOSURE NOWT TO WORRY ABOUT' SAYS DEPUTY MAYOR

In a Westphalia Express exclusive Deputy mayor Ahmad Hatter was in optimistic mood as he discussed the imminent closure of the biggest shops in Eastphalia. He said 'we hope Woolies will survive, but if it doesn't, it won't be the end of the world, far from it — I see the store site as a final piece in the jigsaw to the overall development of the town centre. In fact we've got such great plans for Eastphalia that in a way we hope it does close. Closure will actually breathe life into Eastphalia.'

The master plan would be for one developer to link the Woolies building, Victoria car park, Crossways and Station Lane sites and merge them into one massive regeneration project, including such things as a multiplex cinema, indoor bowling centre, new shops and homes, and with each financing the other. 'Ahmad Hatter explained: 'It's a brilliant plan, especially the way each thing will finance the other in the middle of the deepest recession in living memory. In fact we will probably end up knocking Woolies down to make way for the new 'porcine runway' - at busy times there will be pigs taking off and landing every five minutes, and they will need a fair bit of space - a flying pig is a very graceful creature and an absolute delight to witness, but they are a bit hefty and you wouldn't want one landing on top of you.'

The Deputy mayor said that initially he would probably be in charge of making sure all pigs were fed and watered and ready to fly over Crossways because of his long experience in this area, but that he hopes to eventually hand over the reins to a younger person so he can concentrate on his real area of expertise, which is airborne pies and other pastry products.

PRESS RELEASE FROM THE TOWN HALL

MAYORAL VISION WORK SCOOPS NATIONAL AWARD

Westphalia-on-Sea's Mayoral Vision project has scooped a national award at the prestigious 2008 Pie-in-the-Sky Awards.

The 66-page document and accompanying virtual, walk-through film, detailing ambitious plans for regenerating the bay, fought off stiff competition from projects across the country (including a sustainable eco-plan to build a new terminal at Stansted Airport entirely from matches and old washing up bottles) to win the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Bullshit' category.

When evaluating the entries under the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Bullshit' category the judges said: "The key criteria in this category are who are you fooling and have you slipped a couple of extra zeros on to the bottom of your invoice? It should also be evident that the material has been developed by people who don't know the area and seem to have a very loose grip on reality."

The Mayor of Westphalia-on-Sea, Dr Pangloss, said: "This is a fantastic achievement, relecting the hard work and commitment that went into the vision, but not by me, obviously. At the outset I tried to imply that it was my vision, but it quickly became obvious that we had paid Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions a small fortune to produce the vision. As you know, this council firmly believes in paying consultants to do our thinking for us. Of course, the community is still involved, because they're the ones who foot the bill. Therefore it is extremely satisfying to have won this particular category, judged by landscape professionals and the criminally insane."

"A challenging aspect of the project was to completely fool a wide audience including education, business and community stakeholders, the press, investors, council officers and the community. It was an incredible bit of 'smoke and mirrors' to cobble together a load of archive footage and modern computer graphics in order to pretend that something positive is actually going to happen in Westphalia-on-Sea."

"The projects laid out in the document and film have become an inspiration for many people in Westphalia-on-Sea as well as potential investors. You only have to visit the few remaining shopkeepers in Crossways in Eastphalia to find out exactly how inspired they are - it's truly magical."

The Councillor For Unbelievable Cock-Ups added: "This is fantastic news and a real coup for the bay in terms of national publicity and raising the profile of our efforts for regeneration. The last time we were on the BBC Breakfast programme it was a piece about drunks having to clear up after urinating and defecating in people's doorways around the harbour, so this is definitely a step in the right direction, even though it has no basis in reality."

"I would like to take this opportunity to thank LDA design of Exhole for relieving us of so much cash and pulling the wool over the eyes of our residents, businesses, and potential investors - I can hardly believe it."

Derek Poundsign, partner at Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions said: "The Mayoral Vision is a very ambitious regeneration initiative for Westphalia-on-Sea and its success will ultimately rely on it's ability to connect with the Westphalia-on-Sea public and with investors and developers in the area and from further afield." He then added: "That's consultant-speak for 'nothing will actually happen because it's just a lot of tosh we dreamed up', but this award will give us some very welcome publicity and allow us to increase our fees by about ten per cent, so we really owe the people of Westphalia-on-Sea on this one."

ENDS

A photo opportunity is available - if you are one of the people that actually believes any of this crap why not have your photo taken with a grinning Dr Pangloss? Please contact the Communications Officer at the Westphalia-on-Sea Town Hall.

LOCALBLOKE BATTERS FORMER SPIN DOCTOR

Westphalia-on-Sea is today in a state of political meltdown after the local MP, Brian Localbloke, launched a vicious and unprovoked attack on a former spin doctor at the Lib Dem Party conference. Details are sketchy, but it appears Mr Localbloke hurled himself at his victim, causing him to trip over what can only be described as 'a one foot high wall'. One eyewitness said: "You can imagine the carnage caused by a fall of that magnitude. There was blood, teeth and assorted body parts flying around. It was absolutely horrific. And then the MP vaulted the wall in one leap and continued kicking the lifeless body on the ground. Women, children and even grown men were reduced to tears as they stood around helplessly". Localbloke's political adversary Charlie Windsor had this to say: "Well, I've always said that this guy is unfit for public office. This seems to be what the Lib Dems are all about now - physical attacks on anyone they can get their hands on - they seem to be completely out of control. Of course the most sickening thing about the whole affair is that he's been drawing an MP's salary since 1997 - it really is about time he stepped aside and let someone else get their snout in the trough." Another witness who definitely saw what happened commented: "My heart goes out to the victim's family - after a beating like that I'd be surprised if he ever walks again. I should think he suffered brain damage. He'll probably just be a dribbling vegetable for the rest of his life. I was seriously considering holidaying in Westphalia-on-Sea next year but not after this. I couldn't enjoy myself knowing this man is out there, roaming around the constituency."
The editor of the Westphalia Express said: "The public demand to know all the gory details when a man is pushed over a one foot high wall, and rightly so. They need to know what kind of monster they have elected to represent them, and I would be failing in my duty as editor if I didn't keep filling the paper with same story day after day. I mean, it puts what Gary Glitter did into perspective, doesn't it?"

On other pages: Localbloke stays silent page 5, Localbloke tight-lipped pages 7 - 8, Is it time to bring back the death penalty for pushing people over anything higher than 11 inches? page 11.

WESTPHALIA-ON-SEA TORY GROUP AXES ITS LEADER

The political world of Westphalia-on-Sea was reeling today from the shock of Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter losing the support of the Tory group. A spokesperson for the party explained: "Ahmad is extremely well-liked and has done a wonderful job in the Bay. We just wanted to show our support and gratitude in the time-honoured Tory tradition of stabbing him in the back while he was away, rather like we did with Mrs Thatcher. Ahmad has worked tirelessly to tarmac over the Bay, and will hopefully now enjoy his well-earned retirement."
Mr Hatter had this to say as he shrugged off the defeat: "I do feel as if I have had a big weight lifted off my shoulders. Trying to keep the group together was a difficult job. I am quite relaxed about these jealous bastards ousting me from power in this completely underhand way, and am thoroughly looking forward to spending more time with my family."
Prospective Tory parliamentary candidate for the Bay Charlie Windsor was caught on the hop, and could only utter the most meaningless comments: "It’s a bit sudden. I heard yesterday morning."
He added: "Ahmad Hatter is a good friend. It’s up to the councillors who they have as leader. I think he’s been leader for long enough. He’s not a young man, but I hope he stays on as deputy mayor.

"Things happen in local politics. This is not entirely a surprise. Kevin has been a good force for the Bay."

When asked if 'This is not entirely a surprise' didn't actually contradict 'It's a bit sudden' two lines earlier, Mr Windsor replied: "Now look here, you people should be trying to uncover the Lib Dem plot behind all of this instead of worrying about whether I can make a coherent statement or not. And anyway, what I have said is true and I stand by it. I did hear about it yesterday morning, and things do happen in local politics. These are the facts, and jolly interesting facts they are too, made all the more interesting by their inherent truthfulness."

POETRY CORNER

Lines to commemorate the Tory blood-letting

And so farewell Ahmad Hatter
Now what you think don't much matter.
Although you were the leader
'It wasn't set in stone'.
That was your old catchphrase
And 'while the cat's away
The rats will play'
Seems to be your new one.

E. J. Thribb (17 and a half)

A DOCTOR WRITES ...

As a respected member of the medical profession people often ask me what the best cure for depression is. Without hesitation I always reply 'get yourself a couple of very dangerous dogs like that nice young man in the paper'. If going out alone makes you anxious a couple of Rottweilers will really do the trick. What better way to solve anxiety problems than having a couple of potential killers straining at the leash? If you happen to be living on meagre state benefits then it's very likely your pooches will always feel a little bit peckish, and the simple knowledge that these drooling monsters see every small child as a possible snack will really help you regain your self-confidence. And when you've had a busy day looking for a job or sitting on your arse in front of the Playstation there's nothing more rewarding than having a couple of cuddly bundles of fun jumping up to playfully lick your face.

Ahmad Hatter, spokesperson for Westphalia-on-Sea Council, said: 'Clearly these dogs are dangerous and the young man in question is in no position to care for them properly, so common sense tells us they should be put down. However, we have had to weigh that up against appearing in a bad light in a newspaper story and that, of course, is something we take very seriously.'

POLICE STAY ON BEACH ALERT

Police were today taking no chances as they went ahead with an emergency plan to tackle groups of holidaymakers heading for the beaches of Westphalia-on-Sea with the idea of enjoying themselves. Supt Rock Singer said yesterday: 'People have got to realise that when they come here they should be prepared to spend the day walking up and down the High Street in the driving rain wondering why half the shops are empty, and then go back to their cars, pay their parking fine and move on. It's quite simple. If they start thinking they can just go down to the beach and enjoy themselves we'll have all sorts of problems. Luckily the council has closed one of the beaches and started privatising others, so that makes our job a little easier, but if these problems persist we will have to close all the beaches, or 'trouble hotspots' as we like to call them.'

It is thought that the trouble was started by a posting on website which indicated that Westphalia-on-Sea was still a functioning holiday resort. Police are still searching for the person behind the hoax, but are expected to make an arrest at the Cote de Westphalia Tourist Board later on today.

MAYOR REVEALS AMBITIOUS PLAN TO REDUCE TAXI COSTS TO GERMANY

Dr Pangloss today revealed his vision of how people will avoid exorbitant taxi fares in the future when they want to travel to Germany. 'The new road will bypass Dibley,' he explained, 'and then provide a high-speed link straight to Germany. It will be a souped-up version of a German autobahn and speeds of three thousand miles per hour will be possible. Instead of flying to Germany it will be much cheaper to take a taxi, and we will have so many German tourists we won't know what to do with them. Added to that, it will create more jobs here, and we will also be able to go over there and steal German jobs. It's a win-win situation.' When we pointed out that was more than three times the speed of sound the Mayor replied: 'Look, consultants have assured me it is possible, and that's good enough for me.'

TWO MEN RESCUED FROM POTENTIAL CLIFF DISASTER

Two very important political lives were saved yesterday as journalists decided to bury any bad news about the former tourist attraction Wreck Walk. The men in question ordered the total distruction of the area, which will now be an eyesore for years to come. Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter explained 'Me and the Councillor For Unbelievable Cock-Ups really were in big trouble over that bloody cliff, but thankfully the Westphalia Express rescued us by not demanding any inquiry how the decisions were made. If any of them are reading this I really would like to say a big thank you.' Tonight we can report that both men, while feeling a little shaken by their ordeal, are both safely back in the Town Hall where they can continue to wreak havoc. (Surely 'continue with a well-thought out programme of inprovements for the town? Ed.)

GRAND THEFT AUTO 4 TOO REALISTIC

Town Hall Consoles Ltd, a well-known manufacturer of computer games based in Westphalia-on-Sea, came under fire yesterday as it was claimed that their latest game, Grand Theft Auto 4, was too realistic and too dangerous. GTA4 comes hot on the heels of their last creation, NCP Contract, which was very scary and super expensive. Local mothers just about to take their GCSEs were quick to explain their concerns about this new offering: "In the game right, your character has to drive into town and find somewhere to park for free so he can go to work. But there ain't nowhere, see? So he drives around and around getting more and more frustrated, until he eventually just pulls over and starts smashing up parking meters and taking all the loose change. And then there are other characters who have to go into town to do some shopping, but they can't park neither. They just leave their car by the side of the road for a bit, but when they come back they've got a ticket, right? And they didn't even get what they wanted in the shops because most of the shops was already closed, yeah? So they say we ain't coming back to this town no more, but when they try and drive away they find the road system has all been changed and they can't get out. We just fink that is a really bad game, yeah, 'cos kids is gonna grow up finking life's like that, ain't they?"
A spokesman for Town Hall Consoles Ltd was quick to defend the game: "Look it's true that the game is set in a down-at-heel seaside resort where the characters wander around late night drinking and gambling dens and titty bars with police sirens constantly wailing in the background, but it is aimed at over-18s and people have to realise that this is just a game. You can't confuse this with real life. This is a purely fictional place. No one would want to create such a place, and no one would want to live there. Surely people realise that?"

MP SENSATIONALLY UNMASKED AS LIB-DEM

Brian Localbloke, the MP for the Cote de Westphalia, was today rocked by the news that he had been effectively banned from the Conservative Club in Eastphalia for what they would only describe as 'not being a Tory'. Mr Localbloke was fighting back the tears as he gave his version of events: 'Apparenty they heard a rumour that I was a Lib-Dem. They went on my website, and it didn't take them long to put two and two together and work the whole thing out. They soon realised that they'd been completely shafted at the last three elections. Of course I spend most of my free time in the Conservative Club, so this will have a huge impact on my social life.' When asked how long the ban was expected to last he said the secretary had said it was a lifetime ban, to which Mr Localbloke replied 'whose, yours or mine?'

CHARLIE WINDSOR - AN APOLOGY

The Westphalia Express would like to apologise unreservedly for misleading its readers. In this week's popular photos from yesteryear supplement 'Woebegones' we published nostalgic images from a Young Conservative barbecue in the 1960s and erroneously said that a young Charlie Windsor was standing third from the left. This was clearly a mistake, as everyone knows our man Charlie did not set foot in Westphalia-on-Sea until 2002, and didn't even join the Tory Party until 1997. While he clearly has no genuine connections with Westphalia-on-Sea we can confirm that he would very much like you all to vote for him at the next election so that he can begin to recoup some of the expense he has incurred in his desperate attempt to get his snout in the Westminster feeding trough.

CLARIFICATION ON THOSE PESKY COVENANTS

Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter caused a little consternation yesterday with his rather ambiguous statement on covenants. Luckily the Westphalia Express was on hand to glean further clarification from our illustrious deputy leader. "What I meant to say," he said, "was that we would carefully consider each covenant on its own merits, and then rip it up and do what the fuck we like. I do apologise for any misunderstanding caused, and will endeavour to be rather more forthright in future when stating my views. In my opinion people need to be a lot less sentimental about green open spaces which in truth are nothing more than prime building sites that have been woefully neglected."

MAYOR ENTERS QUEEN'S SECRET BACK PASSAGE

Dr Pangloss made a spectacular discovery while on a visit to the former home of Westphalia-on-Sea's Queen of Crime, Clarissa Miller. He said: I got separated from the guide and just pushed a door. It gently opened, and to my surprise there was this dusty back passage in front of me. Temptation got the better of me and I went right in, and there on the floor was this bundle of papers which I now know was a lost manuscript'.

It is believed the book was originally shelved because of it's controversial title 'Ten Thousand Grockles'. It was renamed 'And Then There Were None' but for some reason the manuscript was lost and the book never made it to print. A spokeswoman for the publishers, a Mrs Irene Dalloway, gave the Westphalia Express an exclusive synopsis of the plot: "It's set in a fictional seaside town where all the tourists go missing one by one until there are none left. A little man is brought in to try and figure out what's happened, and he bumbles around for about five years but in the end he solves nothing, but he still puts in a pay claim for a quarter of a million pounds. It's actually very long-winded, drawn out and a massive anti-climax. It's not like any of her other books, and the central character has no sympathetic qualities. On top of all that it is totally unbelievable. I mean, as if a town would let someone come in and pull the wool over their eyes like that - I could have done better myself'.

THEY HAVEN'T GOT A CLUEDO

To celebrate Westphalia-on-Sea's famous connection to the Queen of Crime a mystery event was recently held at a local hotel. A team of consultants were brought in to provide the clues in a story they called 'Daylight Robbery', and locals were invited along to participate. The event was such a success that many of the locals had to be turned away. One man who was lucky enough to attend was Mr Jack Muttock, and he had this to say: 'It was actually quite hard to follow, and there didn't seem to be any logical connections in the plot. In the end it turned out that it was Derek Poundsign in the L-shaped room with the Powerpoint presentation, but I would never have guessed. To be honest I thought it was the mayor - it seemed so obvious, he was such a nasty character, but of course that was just a red herring. I'm just glad it's all fiction, otherwise it would be quite scary. You wouldn't want that shower in charge of anything,' he added, 'they couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.'

TOWN 'NOT DEAD JUST RESTING' SAYS NORWEGIAN-BLUE

A war of words broke out in Westphalia-on-Sea at the weekend when Cllr Lucien Norwegian-Blue branded local taxi drivers 'a bunch of miserable twats'. He said: 'My wife and I called a taxi from the Soothsayers of Doom Cab Company, and all the driver did was bang on about how we live in a shithole run by wankers. I mean, for God's sake, just because I'm a councillor it doesn't mean I want to have members of the public bending my ear about boarded-up shops, road closures, car parks and parking meters all the bloody time. I haven't even got a car, so I don't give a rat's arse. Park your poxy cars in the sea, for all I care, and don't come asking me for money. The driver told me the town was dead. I said it's not dead, it's just resting, and me and the Mayor are going to wake it up, but he wouldn't have it. He said he was as sick as a parrot.' He went on to say: 'In most successful totalitarian states they take a very dim view of free speech, and I think that is definitely the way forward for Westphalia-on-Sea - we could learn a lot from the Spanish Inquisition. We have an excellent Mayor with excellent dreams, and I am doing an excellent independent job checking that everything is excellent, and I won't tolerate locals compromising the overall excellence of this place with their idle chatter.'
Footnote: Since this article was written we have been informed that the Soothsayers of Doom Cab Co. has been bought by the council and renamed the Somewhere Over The Rainbow Cab Company. It is thought that the driver at the centre of the row has now got a new job, helping to support the crumbling seafront promenade.

MAYOR EXPLAINS ALTERNATIVE TO CAR PARKS

Dr Pangloss today answered critics who question the wisdom of selling off two town centre car parks for luxury building development. Speaking from his office at the Town Hall he said: 'A number of people have asked where all the cars will park in future, but this line of questioning is, quite frankly, naive. Anyone who has seen the James Bond film ThunderBall will know that jetpacks will be the preferred mode of transport in the future, and they require very little storage space. Alternatively our new upmarket tourists from the north will parachute into the refreshing waters of the bay from private aircraft and then be plucked from the blue-flag-certified briny by water taxis and taken to their four-star hotel, so clearly there will be very little need for car parking spaces in the near future.'
When asked how the water taxis would reach the door of any hotels which weren't on the waterfront the mayor added: 'They will be amphibious machines, similar to the one in The Spy Who Loved Me.'
When our reporter pointed out there were also glaring similarlities between Casino Royale and the plans for a new waterfront casino and asked whether the mayor was perhaps using old James Bond films as a blueprint for town planning, the mayor had this to say: 'That is utterly preposterous. I get my inspiration for regenerating the town from a wide variety of sources such as eye-wateringly expensive consultants, my mother and christmas crackers, but not from Bond films. I do not waste my time thinking about Octopussy, Pussy Galore, or any other kind of pussy for that matter*.'

*clearly a reference to Bond villain Blofeld, who stroked a white cat. Ed

MAYORAL VISION NOT BOLD ENOUGH SHOCK

The Mayor has come in for criticism after it was revealed that the car park at the harbour could be used as a site for the architectural equivalent of Sydney Opera House. Born and bred Westphalian Jack Muttock said: 'It's ridiculous, we really should be setting our sights a lot higher. I think we should be aiming for something along the lines of the Taj Mahal if we can get the marble, or at the very least a couple of pyramids.' His friend Irene Dalloway added: 'I would rather have something taller, like an Eiffel Tower, or a BT tower. You could have a revolving fast food restaurant at the top and call it 'Pie in the Sky.'
Eastphalians were also concerned that they had been shortchanged in the plans. One man, who preferred to remain anonymous, said: 'With the influx of Polish Catholics I think we should not only be thinking 'Garden City', but also 'Garden Vatican City'. I think when the Pope sees what is happening in Eastphalia he will want to play a central role in the development. That renaissance architecture was all very well in its day, but it's looking a bit tired now. I think he would be blown away if he could see what I have in mind - lots of glass and steel, and probably Artex on the ceiling rather than a lot of fussy painting. It that were to happen I wouldn't mind renaming the place 'Vatican City'. Well, you've got to move with times, haven't you? And if it brings the tourists back so much the better.'

VOCABULARY SHORTAGE PREDICTED

A report published today projects that the Westphalia Express could soon run out of words to describe anyone who has the temerity to point out the inherent madness in most of what Dr Pangloss says. This stark warning states that if the paper continues to use words such as 'snipers', 'critics', 'naysayers' and 'high priests and priestesses of negativity' at the current rate it will have completely exhausted its vocabulary supplies by 2009. However, the Editor was quick to robustly defend the paper's actions, saying: 'The people that have come up with this forecast are living in cloud cuckoo land. We have dictionaries, thesauruses, and a crack team of highly trained independent journalists who are constantly coming up with new ways to say the same old thing. In addition, we have root words such as 'cynic', which will generate other words such as 'cynical' and 'cynicism'. There is absolutely no truth in this shortage story - it is scaremongering of the worst kind and we will continue to repeat these words for as long as the mayor is in charge of everything.'

OFF HIS CHRISTMAS TROLLEY

The Westphalia-on-Sea council was rocked today by the news that one of Dr Pangloss's men ploughed his car into a wall in the middle of the afternoon while in an 'advanced state of refreshment'. The driver, who cannot be named because he's far too insignificant, said 'they've got me bang to rights - I was out on the piss and got absolutely mullered'. Deputy Mayor Ahmad Hatter was quick to point out that the Conservatives do not condone driving high performance cars around town when 'mashed off your tits'. He added 'none of us is perfect and we make mistakes, and goodness knows we're going to make a lot more in the coming year, that's for sure.'

This is the most exciting local driving news since another local Conservative MP, Tarquin Pompous-Duffer, parked his car in a disabled bay at Newton Bumpkin station. When people questioned his behaviour on that occasion Mr Pompous-Duffer said: 'For God's sake, there are too many of these disabled bays, it's political correctness gone mad. I mean, when was the last time you saw a raspberry ripple on the train anyway? As a Conservative white male of advancing years it is my inalienable right to park where the bloody hell I like, and I won't have scum from council houses telling me otherwise.'